Old and New Jokes

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?

Sat on the Presidential Staff

One
afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We dont have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house
and Ill feed you" the lawyer said. But sir,
I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree." "Bring them along,"
the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man
he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once
underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. Youll really love my place –
the grass is almost a foot high!"

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is – being young and broke.

Q: Why is a double bass better than a violin?

A: The double bass burns longer.

Two whores were talking shop…

Why is it, asked Sharon, that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?

Well, Ill let you in on a little trick, said Tracy. What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him hes just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!

Ill give that a try, says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

Youve just broken my virginity! said Sharon.

Screw that, said the punter. My balls have just flown out of the window!

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them
up end to end, theyd still point in the wrong direction?

– irving – (reid@sask.uucp or {alberta, ihnp4, utcsri}!sask!reid)

…and got surrounded on six sides by hexagon bandits.

En la tienda de mascotas, un tipo está mirando a los animales en venta. De pronto, un loro le llama mucho la atención, pero se asombra cuando ve el precio: 5 mil dólares. Intrigado se dirige al dueño:

¿Por qué este loro cuesta tan caro?

Ah, porque si usted le levanta la patita con el listón azul, el animal habla en francés; y si le levanta la patita con el listón rojo, entonces habla en inglés.

¿Y qué pasa si le levanto las dos patitas al mismo tiempo?, pregunta timorato el tipo.

¡Pues me caigo, idiota!, responde el loro.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespears famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.

Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest precedent. Lincolns mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was precedent, he wore only a tall silk hat. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the Ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Cu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assasinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booths career.



the First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

This is $200, she says.



I want one thats more sheer, says he.



This one is $350.



I want it even more sheer than that.



This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.



Ill take it!





The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me. His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference.





So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.





So, how do you like it? she asks. Her husband then complains, Darn, youd think for $500 theyd iron the dang thing!