Old and New Jokes

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail of from the web, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bush!
Bush who?
Bush your money where your mouth is!

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeers hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, You know, I think youre the first reindeer Ive ever seen in here.

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, Im the last reindeer youll see in here.

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!

OBSERVATION:

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you dont, you are not a man.



If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you dont, you are good for nothing.



If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing. If you dont, you are not understanding.



If you make romance, you are an experienced man. If you dont you are half a man.



If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you dont, she accuses you of double crossing.



If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you dont, you are a dull boy.



If you are jealous, she says its bad. If you dont , she thinks you do not love her.



If you attempt a romance, she says you didnt respect her. If you dont, she thinks you do not like her.



If you are a minute late, she complains its hard to wait. If she is late, she says thats a girls way.



If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, oh its natural, we are girls.



If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.



If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks its just one of the mans tactics.



If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.



If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.



ANALYSIS:



These creatures So simple, So weak, So confusing



CONCLUSION:



It is a wonder that these WOMEN are able to survive in the world. All test results have indicated that WOMEN are irrational. Precaution is advised when handling them.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she…

has a jealous boyfriend 64 280 pounds
is a confirmed lesbian
only wants to be friends
doesnt notice youre even alive

About who tries to pick you up; if youre:

heterosexual, then homosexuals will try
homosexual, then heterosexuals will try
bi-sexual, then, no one will try
with someone special, everyone will try

About finding love; if you:

hope you found it, youll be disappointed
think you found it, youre wrong
believe you found it, youre misinformed
have found it, you wont know until too late

About winning/losing; if you:

dont have anything to lose, you wont win
have something to lose, youll lose it
do win, its only so you can lose more later

If she appears to be having a good time, its because:

shes fanaticizing, and not of you, either
shes been eyeing-up someone else
shes trying to make someone jealous

About dating, if she:

arrives with a man, its the boyfriend she never told you about, and he has a few questions for ya
arrives with her girlfriend, its because she wants some protection, not for anything kinky
comes alone, its because she looks at you as a friend; there isnt a chance youll ever be more either

How do you know when a nymphomaniac drove your car?

The gear shift is wet!!

Llega un madrileño a Cádiz y le pregunta a un tío que va por la calle:

¿Sabe dónde hay una papelería?

Aquí en la esquina hay una pero le aconsejo que no vaya.

¿Por qué?, pregunta intrigado el viajero.

Porque la dependienta es muy pesada; pero tiene otra dos calles más abajo.

El de Madrid se lo piensa y dice:

Para que voy a ir a la otra que está más lejos teniendo ésta más cerca.

Entra en la papelería y se dirige a la dependienta:

Señora, deme un bloc.

¿Lo quiere Ud. de muelle o de anillas?

Me da igual: yo quiero un bloc.

¿Lo quiere cuadriculado o de rayas?

Me da igual: deme un bloc cualquiera.

¿Lo quiere con las pastas rosa o azul; según sea para niño o niña?

En eso, entra un tipo con un excusado a cuestas dirigiéndose a la dependienta:

El culo se lo enseñe ayer; el excusado donde cago es éste y el papel que quiero es aquél.

A lawyers car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.



As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, my mercedes, my brand new mercedes! As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyers right arm missing.



Do you realize your arm is gone? asked the policeman?



The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,

My rolex, my brand new rolex!