Old and New Jokes

Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.

A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, Look … Im sorry, but Im just not your type. Im not inflatable

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You havent had a drivers license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You dont recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30,
just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.

667, Neighbor of the Devil.

Yo mama so poor she put a paper over a TV screen to order a movie on paper-view.

Well, if theres any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! 🙂

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over womens breasts is good for a mans health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation, explains Dr. Weatherby. Theres no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.

…hmmm – I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: Ive already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a hands on study of the same type…woo-hoo!

Chilhood: When you make faces at mirror. Middle age is when mirror gets even.

Bald man: A person who has lot of face to wash and very little hair to comb.

Marriage: An institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a women gets her master’s.

Doctor: Who cures your ills by pills and kills you by his bills.

Alimony: A mode of payment that enables a women who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried.

Indian Film Heroines: If they display their assets, the producer recovers his liabilities.

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter

what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,

said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,

said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to

marry.

The youngest daughter replies, I would like to marry a man

with one draggin on the ground.

The following is a list of modern curses, curses appropriate to the modern times, because the old ones are no longer relevant. People will appreciate being cursed with curses with which they can personally identify.

May your personal organizer crash
May you be always stuck in rush hour
May hackers use your name
May Revenue Canada (or the I.R.S.) do an audit
May your diet fail
May your liposuction oversuck
May your hair fall out, and your teeth fall in
May your children be academically minded and stay at school forever
May traffic officers hate you
May your accountant be honest
May your children sue, grabbit and run
May your opposite gender boss desire you
May your air conditioning fail
May your laptop crash
May a computer take over your wife
May your mechanic be incompetent
May you be flammed of the net
May your dog eat your remote
May the save function always fail
May global warming flood your beach house
May your web site win The Most Awful Web Site Award.