Old and New Jokes

A blonde woman was in a competition to swim across the English Channel. Her competitors in the Breast Stroke division were a brunette woman and a redheaded woman. The brunette came in first, the redhead a few minutes later. Just as the sun was setting, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, I dont want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the drivers seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the drivers window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, Yes Officer?



What are you doing? the policeman asked.



What does it look like? answered the young man. Im reading this magazine.



Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, And what is she doing?



The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, What does it look like? Shes knitting.



And how old are you? the officer then asked the young man.



Im nineteen, he replied.



And how old is she? asked the officer.



The young man looked at his watch and said, Well, in about twelve minutes shell be sixteen.

Three young boys were sitting on the sidewalk one day looking at (3) cars across the street. One of them said;when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I can make lots of money and buy myself a car just like that red corvette. Second boy replied; when I grow up I want to be a lawyer and make more money, so I can buy myself a car just like that black mercedes.Third boy said; you are both crazy.When I grow up I want to have HAIR ALL OVER MY BODY!The other(2) boys looked puzzled and asked why? Third boy replied; well my sister only has a little patch right between her legs, and she owns all (3) of those cars.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally hes curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, I didnt know you were into earrings.

Dont make such a big deal, its only an earring, he replies sheepishly.

Well, Im curious, begged the man, how long have you been wearing an earring?

Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read:

Dear Honey,

Hope you like the gift. The lady at the store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. Oh, when you take them off be sure to wash them because they will be damp at times. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love,
Bobby

PS:I cant wait to take them off of you. The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish Its a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my sons hamster to the vet. Heres what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me, Im serious, Dad. Can you help?

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

Honey, I called, come look at the hamster! Oh, my gosh, my wife diagnosed after a minute. Shes having babies. What? My son demanded.

But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!

I was equally outraged. Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce! I accused my wife. Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?! She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie! My son agreed. Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about to witness the miracle of birth.

OH, Gross! They shrieked.

Well, isnt THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies? My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Dont you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted.

Its breech, my wife whispered, horrified. Do something, Dad! My son urged. Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911? My eldest daughter wanted to know, Maybe they could talk us through the trauma. (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.

I dont think hamsters do Lamaze, his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a c-section? I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay? My wife asked. Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us.

This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isnt EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.

What?

You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back. He blushed, glancing at my wife. Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron.

We were silent, absorbing this.

So Ernies just … just … excited?! My wife offered.

Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

Whats so funny? I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

Its just … that … Im picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little … she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

Thats enough, I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad, he told me.

Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop drinking!

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and Ill stop drinking AND cussing!

Still nothing … and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet.

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.

The judge said to Mickey I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy and Mickey said, I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin Goofy!

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, What the hell happened?

As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, replied the wife.

Piss on him, answered the husband. You did, said the wife, and he fired you. Well, fuck him, said the husband. I did, and you go back to work in the morning!

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the
pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind, You wanted to end the Americans
liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the
Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a
large weight on Osamas knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke,
James Monroe and 65 other 18th century American revolutionaries. As he
writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back
toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he
screams, This is not what I was promised!

An angel replies, I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you. What did you think I said?