Old and New Jokes

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, Well, I have a tattoo, too!

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, Whats wrong, sweet lady?

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, Oh, nothing, I cant show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.

The farmer replied, Well, you know, dogs dont talk.

The ventriloquist said, Youd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

Hi there, Mr. dog, said the ventriloquist. How does the farmer treat you? To which the dog replied, Oh, hes great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!

Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmers horse.

Well, you know, horses dont talk.

Again the ventriloquist said, Youd be surprised what a horse might tell you. So the farmer brought out his horse. Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you? asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, Oh, I think hes great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?

Well, declared the farmer, Sheep lie, ya know.

En una fiesta los organizadores se dieron cuenta de que había muchas más personas de las que habían invitado.

Entonces dijo el mero mero de la fiesta, Ahora sí los voy a chingar. Y toma el micrófono y dice, Los invitados de la novia que se pasen del lado izquierdo, y los invitados del novio que se pasen del lado derecho.

Todos corrieron para los lados, y sólo unas 10 personas se quedaron en medio.

Y dice el de la fiesta, ¡Todos se me van a la mierda, porque este es un bautizo no una boda!

A: To try to forget.

Q: Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Hump me Dump me.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washingtons nose!

This story was told to me by a family friend who is an Illinois State
Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When
he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone
at a chicken place getting into his car. He placed the bucket of chicken
on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still atop his car.

So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service
by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car,
pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks
at the trooper and says, No thanks, I just bought some.

Dave Vollman – AT&T Bell Laboratories – Naperville, IL

A Jew & a Chinaman (sigh…) are traveling on a train together. After a while,
the Jew stands up, and gives the Chinaman a tremendous slap.

What are you doing? says the stricken Chinese.

Thats for Pearl-Harbour says the Jew.

But I am Chinese! The Japanese were responsible for that! says the Chinese.

Japanese, Chinese–all the same.

They resume their seats. A while passes.

Then the Chinese gets up, and kicks mightily the Jew.

Hey! whats going on?

Thats for the Titanic! says the Chinese.

But the Titanic was hit by an Iceberg!

Iceberg, Weissberg–All the same.

Lately she sits at the computer naked.
After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
Hes gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
She makes sarcastic remarks about your software.
Lipstick on the mouse.
During sex she screams A colon backslash enter insert.
The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
The fax file is filled with pictures of some guys ass.

Intelligence Test Instructions:Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?Start.1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________3) I went to bed at eight oclock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine oclock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, whats the name of the driver? ____________________Answers in the following article – no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!Answers:1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 oclock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 oclock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress