Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kristin!
Kristin who?
Kristin the baby in church!

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
Will I be acquitted?

Q: Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.

A: Because they travel in schools.

(Your jokes are too funny. You will be assimilated. Your piece de resistance is useless.)

Two Borg walk into a bar. One Borg says to the other, Did you hear about that city that was burned down in Argentina?

The other Borg replies, Yeah, just goes to show you; Resistencia is fusil.

A Borg was walking down a country road when he saw a donkey in a field nearby. Climbing over the fence, he pulled out his hand weapon, prayed loudly, and disintegrated the creature.

The farmer who lived there ran out the door. What in the world was that?

Why, said the Borg, What else? Ass immolation.

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: Blonde Borgs have the same fun.

Happy Borg: &>

Sad Borg: &

Q: How many real programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.

What is grosser than gross?

Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

Do they eat dogs in America? one asked the other.

I dunno.

Well, were going to live here, so we might as well learn to
do as they do.

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, What part did you get?

El presidente de cierto país africano visitó Rusia, y el presidente, encantando, le mostró el país y lo trató con las cortesías propias para con un jefe de estado. La última noche, antes del regreso a su país, el presidente africano escuchó una propuesta de su homólogo ruso que lo atemorizó:

Mi distinguido presidente, sucede que todos nuestros huéspedes, después de disfrutar y conocer nuestro país, deben enfrentar su destino jugando a la ruleta rusa; aquí tienes esta arma, con un solo tiro, la cual tienes que poner en tu sien y ver si tu destino ha terminado.

Con mucho temor, el africano sigue las instrucciones y sale librado de la ruleta rusa.

Al año siguiente, cuando el presidente ruso visita al presidente africano, también es atendido con muchos honores. Pero en la última noche, el de África le dijo que, fiel a sus costumbres, tendría que jugar a la ruleta africana.

¿Y cómo es eso?, pregunta el ruso con cierto temor.

Muy sencillo, responde el africano. Ahí en cada una de esas chozas se encuentran las cinco mujeres más hermosas de África, y tú debes elegir una para pasar con ella la noche.

¿Y luego, qué debo hacer con ella?, cuestiona el ruso.

Nada, solamente dejar que la mujer que escogiste te practique el sexo oral, explica el presidente africano.

¡Hombre!, se tranquiliza el ruso, y yo que pensaba que esta ruleta africana era tan peligrosa como la ruleta rusa.

Sí, cabrón, nomás que una de estas mujeres es caníbal.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?