Old and New Jokes

The National Enquirers special investigative team has determined that
its actually Elvis Preselys image on the Shroud of Turin.

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus An all ower de hood ereybody wuz sleepin Dey wuz sleepin good

We hunged up our stockings An hoped like de heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin our check

All ode fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru dey heads

I passed out inna flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe spectin de sheriff Wif a warrent fo sho

And what did I see I said, Lawd look at dat!! Ther wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis nite

Faster dan a Polees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An called dem by name!

On Leroy, on Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo sho Da damndest site I ebber did see

He didnt go down no chimbley He picked da lock on my doe An I sez to myself Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!

He had dis big bag Full of prezents I xpect Wid Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my neck

But he not leevin no prezents Jus stealing my shit Got my drugs, got my guns Got my crack pipe…still lit!

Wit my stuff in de bag Out da window he flewed I woudda tried to cut him But he stoled my nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda mellon An whipped out a switch He wuz gone in a seccon Dat sum of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin Anutha Sanna we git Cuz diz here Sanna Clause Jus aint werf a shit!!!

Murry Crimmus

Every time a new Pope is elected, theres a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well theres one tradition that very few people know about.Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Popes presence, where upon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.My brother, the Holy Father whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.The Pope said: Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.The Chief Rabbi agreed.Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly
opened it.They both gasped with shock.It was the check for the Last Supper.

Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and a trailer load of fertiliser.

Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys.

Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns

Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions

Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff

Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case

LAN: To borrow, as in, Hey Dilbert! LAN me your truck!

Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman

Why cant a blonde dial 911?
She cant find the eleven.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, theyre too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although its a nice hotel, the rooms certainly arent worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here, explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, But we didnt use it!

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. But sir, he says, this check is only made out for $100.

Thats right, says the man. I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.

But I didnt! exclaims the manager.

Well, the man replies, she was here and you could have.

A blonde and a brunette were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were completely totaled.

They climbed from the wreckage and the brunette stood in awe. Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives, she said.

I agree with you completely. No doubt well be lifelong friends, the blonde replied.

The brunette stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. This bottle of wine wasnt even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.

Thats a great idea, miss, the blonde answered, taking the bottle from her. She popped the cork and drank her share.

Im sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some? the blonde asked.

No, thanks, said the brunette. Ill just wait until the cops get here.