Old and New Jokes

A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: How many wives does the bible allow a man to have?

A: 16

Better
Worse
Richer
Poorer

Can I have just the Better & Richer? 🙂

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, Pastor, I will double my last pledge.

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, Pastor, I will give $20,000!

This prompted a deacon to shout, Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.



Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when………………………………



Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

"This wont hurt, I promise."

Yesterday
Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

Theres not half the files there used to be,

And theres a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my datas gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard

And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

Finding some code

That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie

Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;

Isnt it fun?

Look at him working,

Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;

It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby

Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;

Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie

Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;

Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man
Hes a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans

For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)

Cares not where /dev/null goes to

Isnt he a bit like you

And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)

My lpd(8) is missin

UNIX Man

The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

Hes as wise as he can be

Uses lex and yacc and C

UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, dont worry

Test with time(1), dont hurry UNIX Man

The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

Hes a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody …

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.

Write in C (Let it Be)
When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,

And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers:

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

LOGOs dead and buried,

Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,

For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.

If youve just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly,

Soon you will be glad to

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

BASICs not the answer.

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

Pascal wont quite cut it.

Write in C.

Something
Something in the way it fails,

Defies the algorithms logic!

Something in the way it coredumps…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,

A pointers got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Im too close to leave it now

Youre asking me can this code go?

I dont know, I dont know…

What sequence causes it to blow?

I dont know, I dont know…

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this tonight I vow!

If you cant find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, its an improved screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. Its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If its electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the on switch, or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes DOES help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you dont succeed, redefine sccess.

Above all, if what youve done is stupid, but it works, it aint stupid!

Mother: Hows your history paper coming?

Son: Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and its been very helpful.

Mother: Really?

Son: Yes, so far Ive located 17 people who will sell me one!

10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble
9. Name on drivers license reads Walter Payton
8. Can bench press 450
7. After changing babys diapers, services your Jeep
6. Constantly adjusting herself
5. Has Adams apple the size of a cue ball
4. On day off, appears on Geraldo
3. Knows a little too much about Mork
2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt
1. The Bea Arthur factor