Old and New Jokes

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, Honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn how much longer until your ears get cold?

If you dont like the news, go out and make some.

A young man goes to pick up his date at her farm. Having eaten beans for lunch, he is afflicted with the gas. When he arrives, the gruff old man advises him that his date is not ready, and hell have to wait. He doesnt say much else. The young man attempts to strike up a conversation about the weather, the crops, the dog, etc., to no avail.

Soon, the young man has to fart. It occurs to him to go over and pet the dog, and let it out quietly, then the old guy will think the dog did it. Unfortunately, it makes a good braaaap.

The old man looks over and says Duuuuke! Delighted that his ploy has worked, the young man continues to hang out by the dog.

Pretty soon, another leaks out, and again the old man chides Duuuuke!. Now sure that he isnt going to be blamed for the flatulence, the next time, the young man rips out a wall-shaker.

At this, the old man glares over at them, and hollers Duke! Git away from that boy before he shits all over you!

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.

I think librarians are the easiest said the second surgeon when you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered

The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded.

The fourth one shakes his head and says, I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable!

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told him, When I buy a $80,000 car I expect the damn radio to work.

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said Country music, and Willie Nelson started singing. Rock and roll, he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. Easy listening, he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.

Finally relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham and listening to smooth sounds. Then a red car with jammed with young girls almost ran him off the road. STUPID BITCHES! he screamed. Immediately the Spice Girls started singing.

Lermans Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
Murphys First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
Kauffmans Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Millers Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, youll want to be doing something else.
Weiners Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaacs Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kennys Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a persons name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Yeagers Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumbers day off.
Lampners Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Quiles Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they dont know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
Lovkas Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked.

Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

Noooo, I have not, Reverend.

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Three old men were sitting on a porch.

I wish I could take a healthy piss, said one.

I wish I could take a healthy crap, said another.

I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.



And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.



And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.



And God said, No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.



And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.



After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord & said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.



And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.



And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.



And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didnt give a hoot one way or the other.

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, Mike, you wait here, Im going to run in for confession, its been a long time.

Pat enters the confessional and says, Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman.

The priest asks, was it Mrs Murphy? no, Father, was the reply.

Was it Mrs OBoyle? Again the reply was No, Father.

Was it Mrs. OGrady? Pat said, Father, Ill not be teling you the ladys name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Marys for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, Well, how did you do? Pat said, Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects!