Old and New Jokes

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?

Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.

Order: Huh?

Evil: Dont let him bug ya. Were here.

Truth: My opposite is not here.

Good: Is your opposite Lies?

Truth: My opposite is Void. He couldnt make it.

Evil: snicker Figures!

Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!

Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!

Good: I have the cards.

Evil: Ive got the chips.

Truth: I have the beer.

Chaos: I have the cards!

Order: Shut up.

…

Order: Whose deal is it?

Evil: Do ya gotta ask that EVERY time?

Truth: It is Goods deal.

Good: OK, five card draw…uh, everything is wild.

Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?

Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if…

Order: I like this game.

Evil: This is pointless.

Truth: It is time to deal.

Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.

Truth: Five.

Order: Five and raise you five.

Evil: Dont you morons get it? It doesnt matter how much you bet!

Order: I like ten better.

Evil: sigh Call.

Chaos: I fold.

Evil: YOU CANT LOSE!

Chaos: I still fold.

Good: OK, Ill call. How many, Truth?

Evil: Whats the point in taking more cards?

Truth: I will keep the cards I have.

Order: I will take two.

Evil: Why?!?

Order: I didnt like those.

Evil: None for me.

Chaos: Ill take six.

Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?

Evil: Oh, just get this over with.

Order: But now we have to bet!

Evil: Any money you put in, youre just gonna get back!

Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.

Truth: I have five aces.

Order: I have five ace of spades.

Chaos: I have a three.

Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.

Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, readem and weep.

Good: Where did you get that card?

Truth: He stole it from Chaos.

Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pots mine.

Good: That was a stupid game.

Order: Whose deal is it?

Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.

Chaos: Whee!

all but Chaos: groan

Chaos: Eleven card stud-holdem with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild…fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens dont count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing…

Order: I fold…

A guy walked into a bar and said

Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.

But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay.

Then the next day, the guy said Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!

The bartender said Why?

The guy replyed Youre violent when youre drunk!

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, Stay exactly like that and dont move. Ill be back in five minutes to check up on you and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, Whats going on here?

Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? the general barked.

Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyones amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole! Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy, He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? No, what? replies the guy. Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it! said the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.

Weve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ….GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:Youre next.I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Over near England is a very little island, called the Isle of Man, and a very peculiar thing about the people, on this island is, that they dont believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they cant keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass.

Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldnt look at twice, others have extraordinary asses. The mayor has an ass that nobody looks at twice, but his wife has a beautiful ass.

People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses that they have ever seen. Men often stop her on the way to the market to pat her ass.

On Sunday they all go to church on their asses. Sometimes the girls ride the boys asses and sometimes the boys ride the girls asses.

Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it handy, so he tied his ass just outside the window.

During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and he fell into it …

Which goes to show that even a preacher doesnt know his ass from a hole in the ground.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, You can’t take it with you.

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

Oh, that darned old fool, she exclaimed. I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, Im so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.

The grandmother was curious. What trick is that my dear? she asked.

The little boy replied, I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.