Old and New Jokes

Man goes to the bar and says bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that. The man says Just pour them.

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says Hey, you want to talk about it? The man says No! and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says Come on and tell me about it Ive got a good ear, thats why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says Ok, today was my first blowjob. The bartender says Hey great, have another on the house.

The man says No, if 7 doesnt get the taste out, nothing will!

A: Flattered.

You might be a redneck if…
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

The seven stages of Usenet posting:

1. Innocence

HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT
THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP — HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. 🙂
[dead chicken joke deleted]

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Cant you read the rules? Gene
Spafford _clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping

Simple enough for you? Its not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby — capeesh?

This person is clearly scum — theyre even hiding behind a pseudonym.
I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the
sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this persons net access be
revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are
obviously in on it — I will urge that their feeds cut them off
post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#!T over the net.

4. Disgust

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:

> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?

> ^L

> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination? Weve heard this joke
*at least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We
would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had
heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group.
Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You
people are dull as dishwater. I give up; Im unsubscribing, as of now.
You can have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

5. Resignation
In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:

>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:

>>How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?

>>With a Cuisinart!

>

> ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically

> to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with

> r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out. When youve been around as long as I have,
youll come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net.
Look at it this way: at least they havent overwhelmed us yet. Most
of the jokes in rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and
interesting. We can hope that people like newby above will go lurk
until they understand the subtleties of dead baby joke creation, but we
should bear with them if they dont. Keep your cool, and dont let it
bug you.

6. Ossification

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:

>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:

>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.

>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they

>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you

>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have

>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude

>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.

>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we

>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having

>>> the volume, you TURD?

>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply

>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,

>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens

>> in r.h.d.b. We havent heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that

>> there is no interest in chicken jokes.

> That doesnt even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
created.

People like this really burn me. Doesnt he realize that it will just
take a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down
around us? First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly,
rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, theyll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic.
Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the
world will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want,
Cluck? To bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system
works, and we shouldnt push at it, lest it break.

7. Nostalgia

Well, theyve just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My,
how things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I
first joined this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups
under the humorous banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. Im amazed
at how things have split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups
in your sequencer just to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the
good old days, when we could read about it all in one place…

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.



The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.



PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com –



Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.



After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way



From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.



No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.



More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,



It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,

Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist –

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.



Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!



And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winters nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,



As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.



And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?

A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.

Two
male buddies were walking through the woods when out
of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the
men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while
his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived
at a doctors office and said help, help, my friend
was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked
that he couldnt get all his tools to the woods in time
to save the friend, so he told him that he would have
to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to
be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no
I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found
his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain!
The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say?
The friend said, he said youre going to die.

Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?.

The first blonde replied, Because their point is on the wrong end.

The second blonde then said, You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!

Michael Jackson was in a room bumming George Michael. Suddenly Michael Jackson said I have to go now, but ill be back in five minutes, whatever you do dont wank. At that, Michael left.



Five minutes later Michael returned to find cum all over the ceiling and walls. What the hell happened here, I told you not to wank. But George replied I didnt; I farted