Old and New Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home! Okay, replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!! And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, I wish my friends were back here!

A burglar has just made it into the house. He is intending ransacking, and he is
looking around for stuff to steal.

All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, I can see you, and so can Jesus!

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes
back to his business.

I can see you, and so can Jesus!

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the
corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a
budgerigar, who pipes up again, I can see you, and so can Jesus!

So what, says the burglar, you are only a budgerigar!

To which the budgerigar replies, Maybe, but Jesus is a doberman!

There
was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The
truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand
to see a man cry."
"No, its not that. This day is the worst of
my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my
office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember
I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver
just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my
wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come
to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting
an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Ed: Recently somebody on rec.humor posted the famous ultimate
final exam posting once again. Well, this poster came up with
some actual worthwhile answers. Here they are.]

Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time
limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

[Ed: The full test can be found in the Joka-Cola Classic section.]

PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

The proper response is:
Gday mates! Yahoo Serious will be out in a few moments. While youre
waiting, Ill just throw a few shrimp on the barby for ya, and you
can help yourselves to a few pots of Fosters. Right? Right.

SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers on why
they cant get to the promised land. The lawyers will try to appeal,
and the sales people will try to finance or trade one another (for less
than blue book) to get in.

ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in
Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the
room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify
your decision.

Call management in room. Inform management that engineering has had
enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate this shit.
Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to deal with dissasembled
rifle and hungry tiger. I mean, if management had been on the ball, the gun
would be assembled and the tiger would have been fed.

POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if
any.

Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidentally launched
towards them.
This should start a major skirmish. After the exchange and near total
destruction of the world, the only socio-political effect will be if we
have enough shrimp and Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting
for Yahoo Serious (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was
another Serious invention).

EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity
of your position.

I speak the truth. Everything I say is a lie.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Life is a scam.

EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples.

Time is relative.
Time is money.
Money is relative.
Relatives cost money.
Time is relative, and dont let your relatives spend too much
time (or money).

ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
ex 2: Aunt Irma wont leave.
ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to
anywhere. Thus depleting your vacation fund. Now you must
go back to work.

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

Q: Why do so many black people move to Detroit?

A: Because they heard there were no jobs there.

These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page.

1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
2. Clinton Policies that actually save money
3. The Logic of the Politically Correct
4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked
5. Good Points of Clintons Health Program
6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
7. The Submissive Woman by Hillary Clinton.
8. Creating New Jobs in America – by Bill Clinton
9. Life During Wartime by Bill Clinton.
10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government – by Slick Willy
11. Why People are More Important than Animals – Greenpeace
12. Deep-Thinking Liberals
13. The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech
14. Why Political Correctness is not Censorship
15. The Merits of Gun Control
16. Feminists Worth Marrying
17. How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy by Socialists.
18. To Tell the Truth – by President Bill Clinton
19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By – by Bill Clinton
20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

ITS A GUY THING

Translated:* There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?

Translated:* Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

Un hombre y una mujer septuagenarios viven en un asilo para ancianos. Se conocen y deciden unirse en pareja; a partir de ese día los abuelos van juntos al parque. Un día, el viejo le dice a la anciana:

Mira, mujer, tú y yo estamos muy viejos para el sexo, así que me conformare con que tú sostengas mi pene en tu manita.

La dama aceptó y cada que vez que iban al parque agarraba el pene del vetusto con su mano. Sin embargo un buen día, la viejita fue al parque y no lo encontró en la banca de siempre. Desesperada, lo busca hasta encontrarlo con otra vieja que le sostenía el pene con su mano. Con lágrimas en los ojos, le reclama al carcamal:

¿Por qué, si tú y yo éramos felices? ¿Qué tiene ella que no tenga yo?

¡Mal de Parkinson!

Im as confused as a hungry baby in a topless club!

A women accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said: If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die. 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.

5. Dont burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.

6. Dont discuss yuor problems with him.

7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.



On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.



Youre going to DIE she replied.