Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual.
Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging
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All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
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Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
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Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sams Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
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All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,DING!
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
As Im sure you can understand, she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward. Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?
Honest? replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, Im so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.
Impressive. And what sort of case was that?
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, My dad sued me for the money.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky
short Guy.
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didnt stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said Stop or slow down, whats the difference?.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check — a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign …
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.
Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman Pinscher.
This came from a friends _Guns N Roses_ tape (its not mine,
really!) and I dont think its what Tipper had in mind…
This album contains language which some listeners may
find objectionable. They can F?!* OFF and buy something
from the New Age section.