Old and New Jokes

Ive told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating.

1.) Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

2.) Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: Well, I dont know.

Will two people fit under a rock?

3.) Man: Id really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who

used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:

Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

5.) Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

6.) Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

7.) Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you.

Woman: (tries to ignore him)

Man: You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?

Woman: Hmmm you really love sex and travel?

Man: (nods his head smiling)

Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, Can you pound a railroad

spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on? To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

9.) Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter.

(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

10.) Q: What sign were you born under?

A: No Parking.

11.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

12.) After hearing a pick-up line:

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

13.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life? She took one glance at him and said, For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

14.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, What are you looking at? My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.

15.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their passes had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason!

She responded, Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

16.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move.

Im here, he breathed huskily, to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates.

She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?

Q: Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouses armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retriev cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind

tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from

shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while

doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from

right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?

Its the one with bite marks on the cap.

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.

They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.

Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.

The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.

What happened?! asked Bill.

I ran over a pig, replied his driver.

Bill Clinton looked horrified.

Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been theirs.

So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.

Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.

Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.

Do you know how long youve been gone?! What happened up there? he asked.

The limo driver, happily confused, replied, Those people up there threw me a huge party.

Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, What? Why?

The limo driver started up his car and answered, I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig.

Attention all Heterosexual Men!

Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?

Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck
shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment — like the ones on
Will & Grace?

You are not alone! Act now, and youll be on your way
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How to have sex with a man and not need the six pack of
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How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready – with
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The secret list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you
MUST own.

That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in
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The address of Ricky Martins private fan club!

Why you must JUST SAY NO to bi-level haircuts!

Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired — and
why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no — unless you havent
been going to the gym.

Why you must go to the gym!

Gaydar lessons — youll finally know the truth about that
unusual Uncle.

Our In and Out list — for the current week.

Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should
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How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (well even
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A dialect coach to assist in gaylingo — learn terms like
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Significant historical dates youll need to know, like the year
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Act now and youll receive a closet door
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Dont delay any longer!

Dont you want to have more women hanging off you than
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Operators are standing by!

(Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee.)

Un borracho va a un bar, pide una cerveza y sale afuera a tomársela. Como no tenía dinero para pagar, se echa un pis en la botella simulando no haber tomado nada. Termina y la deja en el mostrador.

Al cabo de un rato llega un hombre y pide una cerveza, y el mozo le trae la botella que dejó el borracho.

Pasa un rato y el hombre llama al mozo y le dice: Por qué no me traes un sandwich de mierda y la hacemos completa?

Lynchs Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Whats the difference between Moses and Tim

Leary



Moses got on his ass and rambeled around the



country untill he got to Mount Siani. There



he saw a burning bush. Later he got two



tablets made out of stone, whiche he took



down from on high. When he showed these to



the people they all said this is from God.



Tim Leary got off his ass and into his



rambler. He went to Mount Kisko and smoked a



little bush. Later he got two hundred tablets



whic he took down to the people who got on a



high and thought the.