Old and New Jokes

(Outdated, but still fun.)

DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after its
no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one
from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you
call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that you dont need to know. A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
The worlds most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to
drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few
of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at
the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans wont explode when you open them, even
if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
You cant buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim
its wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beers can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans
only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.
The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this
is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just
like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to change the can to look just
like Windows 95 Beers – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
industrial strength beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that
all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break
off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around
for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never
really sold very well because the original manufacturer didnt understand
marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud
group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but
the design hasnt changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics
of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments.
When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, youre told that is
proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the
FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as
a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Winners of the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay contest:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: Im leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key.

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.

Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?

A: Booger King!!!

A man goes into the psychiatrists office and tells the doctor that he needs help over comming an obsession. All I think about, day and night, is fucking a sheep. Its driving me nuts.

I see, said the doctor. Would that sheep be a ram or a ewe?

Why a ewe of course, replied the patient indignantly. What do you think I am, a pervert or something?

Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!

En una iglesia llega una monja corriendo y gritando, y se encuentra con la madre superiora, que está toda despeinada y con el hábito roto, y le dice:

Madre superiora, me pasó algo terrible, ¡mire como me dejó una avispa!

Eso no es nada, le dice la madre superiora, ¡mira como me dejo el obispo!

Se casan dos negros. La negra le dice a la mama:

Mamá, fíjate que la cagué.

¿Por qué, mija?

Pues yo le dije a este negro bastardo que yo era virgen y yo hace rato que no.

Vos sos muy bruta no, te va tocar ir al supermercado a comprarte un taco de dinamita pequeñito, te lo metes por la cuca y cuando el negro te meta eso, esa vaina explota, y el negro te pregunta: ¡Qué fue eso! y vos le decís, eso fue mi virginidad que se fue para el cielo.

Cuando la negra va a el super sólo encontro un tacote el berraco de grande y se lo metió todo en la cuca.

En la Noche se lo clava el negro y !!!!BUUUMMMM!!! y el negro:

¿Qué fue eso?

Fue mi virginidad que se fue al cielo.

Pues ve bajando a esa hijueputa que se me llevó la verga.

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, Lord, Im sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.



Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastors feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, God, bless this food which I am about to receive.

Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past year:

– A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.



– A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least– during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as The Human Couch.



– The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.



– A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the ladys 78-year old daughter that her mother didnt make it. Didnt make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!



– A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from crank (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly You mean like having sex with our dog?



– A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasnt able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and gagged myself to vomit but couldnt vomit it up either.