A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.
The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, Ill have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.
The barman looks at the guy puzzled but says nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.
A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.
The barman gets the drinks and says, its probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think its very fair for him to call you that.
The woman turns to him and smiles and says…
Oh, dont worry, its ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!
A child came home from Sunday School and old his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really Gladly The Cross Id Bear,
Q: Where does the cat go when it looses its tale?
A: The retail store.
What do you get when a blonde graduates from Harvard with a 4.0 average?
A dean who has been very happy for the last 4 years.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who mightve designed the human body.
The first one said, It mustve been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff – a mechanical engineer must have designed all that.
The second one said, No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer.
Then the third one said, No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no – My wifes dinner party!!!
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said –
Come on guys, were almost there!
How do you confuse a woman?? Give her a choice!!
A-Knock knock.
B-Whos there?
A-Little boy blue.
B-Little boy blue who?
A-Michael jackson!
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.