Old and New Jokes

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles.

In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, who are you and what are you charged with??

Im duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

2nd one comes in, who are you and what are you charged with?

Im duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

3rd one comes in. Who are you and what were you charged with?

Im duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

4th one comes in judge says let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?

NO, he says…Im bubbles!!.

Periodically, I get junk mail for web sites I suspect are intended for the male of this species, which Im not. On a whim, I started forwarding all those sex kitten invitations to a male friend who has yet to explore the fullness of the internet. He sent this reply:

From: Blugrass2@aol.com

Subject: Awesome …

I must say I am totally SHOCKED that you would even consider sending me such smut over the ether waves … You must think Im some sort of pathetic, sex-starved computer geek with nothing better to do with my time than to spend it looking at pictures of half naked beautiful, young, uninhibited, free-thinking, pert-breasted, flat-tummied, trim thighed, hard-nippled, pouty-lipped, cyber sluts.

All I can say is THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Three Jewish mothers met for lunch:

Oi, Oi, have I had a week! The first cried, On Monday my daughters husband of 15 years, the father of my three grandchildren announces hes leaving her for another woman!

You think you got problems? Exclaimed the second lady, My son has left his wife to set up home with the man next door!

Thats nothing! Declared the third, Ive lost my cleaner!

A man was working on a preachers car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped. He yelled “Goddamn it” and the preacher said, “Dont take the Lords name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.’”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again. The preacher again told him, “Dont take the Lords name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.’” The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising. The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?

That would suit me just fine!! the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Established 1903 – We support monkey business

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, Lets get off the corner people.

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, Lets get off that corner… NOW!

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, Well, how did I do?

Pretty good, chuckled the vet, especially since this is a bus stop.

A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldnt have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side (not a typical pastor), so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastors study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. What was that all about? He asked. She replied, Im just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40.

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the mans wife. I dont like the looks of your husband, he said.

Neither do I, said the wife, but hes not home much, and hes great with the kids.

Im going fishing. Really means…Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Its a guy thing. Really means….There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner? Really means….Why isnt it already on the table?

Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear. Really means….Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

It would take too long to explain. Really means…I have no idea how it works.

Im getting more exercise lately. Really means….The batteries in the remote are dead.

Were going to be late. Really means….Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

Take a break, honey, youre working too hard. Really means….I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Thats interesting, dear. Really means….Are you still talking?

Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love. Really means….I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me. Really means….You want me to stay awake?

Thats womens work. Really means….Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.

You know how bad my memory is. Really means….I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal. Really means….I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

I do help around the house. Really means….I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing. Really means….I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.

I cant find it. Really means….It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

What did I do this time? Really means….What did you catch me doing?

I heard you. Really means….I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next three days yelling at me.

You look terrific. Really means….Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.

I missed you. Really means….I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

Im not lost. I know exactly where we are. Really means….Im lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework. Really means….I make the messes, you clean them up.

This relationship is getting too serious. Really means….Youre cutting into the time I spend with my truck.

I dont need to read the instructions. Really means….I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

[Ed: This joke edited]

There was an international conference and a luncheon following at the U.N.

The G.B. representative started to offer a toast:

To the women of the Eastern Hemisphere!

The Chinese representative then followed:

To the women of the Western Hemisphere!

The Italian representative thought for a moment, and then said:

To the two hemispheres of women!

At a golf club a bunch of women are having tea. Then one woman
discovers that the mens locker room at some distance below their balcony
has its door ajar. And a man is taking a shower with his head unseen.
So this woman chuckles and says: I am glad that that is not my husband–how
embarrassing! A second woman acknowledges: I am glad that he is not my
boyfriend ….hmmm!

A third woman then says:
I dont know whether he is my husband or not, but I sure know that
he is not any of the men here at this golf club.

Ray Wong, bu000756(or rkw)@cisunx.UUCP