Old and New Jokes

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said Your ears.

What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!

Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last nights big date. So, howd it go, Harry? asked Gil.
Terrible, admitted Harry. The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started.

Gil tried to comfort him. It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young womans allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isnt she?

Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages.

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things

4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want

5. Whatcha Doin the Wonderful Phrase

6. 101 Games to Play in the Road

7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher

8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games

10. Arthur Gets Hunted

11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi

12. Monsters Killed Grandpa

13. The hit sequel to Elvis is your real dad Mrs.Clause is your real Mom

14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul

15. All Guns Squirt Water

16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street

17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain

19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish

20. 101 recipies to make with Dog

21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

22. The New Boy is Bad

23. Your Nightmares are real

24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs

25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis

26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender

27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..

28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption

29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap

30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower

31. Grampa Gets A Casket

32. Dads New Wife Robert

33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

Whats the difference between a terrorist and a wife?

You can negotiate with the terrorist!

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest to be found.
Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.
Its very simple, said the Priest. There on the wall is a chart … column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.
The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.
The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a blow job. Thats it, Father.
The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.
Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?
Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?


A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?


A. Pharaohs daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?


A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?


A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?


A. Samson-he brought the house down.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?


A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?


A. They raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?


A. Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?


A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?


A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?


A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?


A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?


A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?


A. When Joseph served in Pharaohs court.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?


A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?


A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds.



When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds.



Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?



The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.



No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

A 76 year old man went to the doctor for a sperm count. The doctor gave him a jar with a lid on it and told the old man to bring him back a sample.

The man returned in about three hours with an empty jar. The doc looked at him and said, Wheres the sample?

The old man looked at the doc and said, Well, its like this doc. I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand. My wife tried with her left hand and she tried it with her right hand. She even tried it with her teeth in and her teeth out and we couldnt get the damn jar open.