Old and New Jokes

A good Irishman, John OReilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John OReilly hoisted his beer and said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me loving wife! That won him top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night. She said, Aye, and what was your toast?

John replied, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?

She said, Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

En la alcoba conyugal, la sensual esposa recibe al marido a las tres de la mañana diciéndole:

Desabrocha mi blusa y déjala sobre la cama.

Sí.

Ahora el sostén y ponlo en la silla.

Claro.

Deja mi falda en el ropero.

Bueno.

Ahora mis pantys en el cesto.

Ya está.

¡Y que sea la última vez que te pones mi ropa, maricón de mierda!

Estaba en el cielo una fila de hombres blancos esperando a que San Pedro les tomara sus datos y los enviara a sus respectivos lugares definitivos cuando llegó un negro.

El negro, viendo que todos en la fila eran blancos, se pone nervioso y se dice, Ahora se van a cargar conmigo por ser negro, y me van a mandar al infierno, tengo que idearme algo.

Así que cuando llega su turno San Pedro le pregunta su nombre y el negro contesta, Leonardo DiCaprio

San Pedro coge el teléfono y dice, Jesús, ¿el Titanic se quemó o se hundió?

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool, and he falls off again. This time he picks the guy up and asks, Where do you live?



Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guys house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guys wife comes to the door. The man says, Hello, Ive brought your husband home.



The wife looks at the man and asks, Wheres his wheel chair?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

This sounds a lot like an urban myth, but my brother-in-law tells me
that this happened to the wife of someone he works with. I must admit
that Im a bit sceptical but its certainly worth a chuckle.

It seems that this lady didnt quite make it to hospital for the birth
of her child, in fact, the baby was born on the lawn just outside the
main entrance. The poor woman was dreadfully embarrassed and was being
consoled by one of the Nurses, who said; Dont worry about it. It could
have been worse, why two years ago we had a woman who gave birth in the
elevator. The woman cried That was me! and burst into tears.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.

He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professors desk and said, What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs? With that the student threw his test on the professors desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didnt know every students name so as the student reached the door the professor called, Mister, whats your name?

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, You tell me buddy! You tell me!

One was a musician, and the other didnt have any money either.

A rabbi, a protestant minister and a catholic priest and a baptist preacher were discussing religion.

The rabbi said: Lets be honest with each other. We all have our vices. For instance, Im not supposed to eat ham or pork – but i love them!

The protestant minister said, Well, I do have one vice – I like to drink. In fact, I get pissed from time to time.

The catholic priest said, Ill be honest. I like girls. I like to get laid at least once a week.

They looked at the baptist preacher. Havent you got any vices? they asked.

Well, only one, he said. I like to gossip!