Old and New Jokes

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.

The counselor asked, Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?

Uhh, no, I guess not, the husband replied.

That happens with many married couples, the counselor replied. I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her…fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband.

That sounds good to me. Youre right. Ill start this evening.

So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, Were going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and were going to have a good time. Ive reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and thats only the beginning!

His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. What! Whats wrong, honey? Tell me whats the matter? the husband cried.

Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that shes pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now…(sniff)(sniff)…now… she broke off and sobbed deeply.

Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me. the husband begged.

And now, you come home drunk!!!!

Q: How does an Amish father find his daughter in the field?

A: Pretty good.

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Heres a listing of some of the lessor known ones…

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia …….. U. Gogh

The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh

The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars … Go Gogh

The real obnoxious brother ………. Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ………… Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store ……. Stop N Gogh

His dizzy aunt …………. Verti Gogh

The cousin that moved to Illinois ……… Chicah Gogh

His magician uncle ………….. Wherediddy Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico ………. Amee Gogh

Another cousin who lived in Mexico ……… Green Gogh

Nephew that drove a stage coach ………. Wells Far Gogh

Aunt who was a good dancer ………….. Tan Gogh

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and its soon time for the healing portion of the show."If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin."Oh, dont be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it wont see him. The barman looks down at him and says, Whats the matter with you? Why are you hiding? Youve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, You dont know him like I do. Hes a cyclepath.

Q – Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A – Under the Vacuum cleaner.

Two guys are out hunting deer…

The first guy says, Did you see that?…pointing to the sky.

No, the second guy says.

Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! the first guy says.

Oh, says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, Did you see that?

See what? the second guy asks.

Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

Yah, Ok, says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: Did you see that?

This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, Yah, I SAW IT!

And the first guy says: Then why did you step in it?

This 85 year old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest
in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"Its free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peters reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This
is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"