Old and New Jokes

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, Whyd you do that?

The trooper says, Youre in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, youll have your license ready.

Driver says, Im sorry, officer, Im not from around here.

The trooper runs a check on the guys license, and hes clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, Whatd you do that for?

The cop says, Just making your wishes come true.

The passenger says, Huh?

The cop says, I know that two miles down the road youre gonna say, I wish that mother fucker wouldve tried that shit with me.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

Santa Claus, Peter Pan, un abogado decente y un borracho caminan amistosamente por las calles de una ciudad, cuando de repente se encuentran con un billete de cien dólares tirado en la vereda. ¿Quién se queda con el billete?

El borracho, porque los otros tres personajes no existen…

It was time for Father Johns Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. Johns nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.



Oh, sister, said the young nun dreamily.Ive been saved.



Saved? And how did that fine thing come about? asked the old nun.



Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.



Did he now, said the old nun evenly.



Sister Magdalene continued, And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.



Is that a fact, said the old nun even more evenly.



At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.



That wicked old Devil, said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriels Horn, and Ive been blowing it for 40 years!

A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishing
from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realized that
hed left his tackle box in his car, and, not wanting to disturb the
other two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore,
got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.

An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry.
His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he got out of the
boat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled on
his sandwich.

The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that hed best go for a
walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stood
up, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and splashed into the lake.

The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, Think we shouldve told
him about those submerged rocks? Said the bishop, what rocks??

— Michael.

Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.

(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided theres an engineer around to explain how to do it.

A rogue guide dog has been destroyed after leading four of its blind owners
to their deaths.

Charity workers were last night facing an investigation into how
four-year-old Labrador Gamer was allowed to continue his murderous spree.
Officials have admitted how:
Victim Nunmber 1 was dragged under the wheels of a bus.

Victim Nunmber 2 drowned when she was led off the end of a pier.

Victim Nunmber 3 was shoved into the path of a speeding train.

Victim Nunmber 4 was left stranded as a truck mowed him down.

Trainer Rudi Jones, 48, told newsmen in South Africa:
He was basically a good dog who needed brushing up on his skills.Its so
sad that he had to be put down.

Gamers terror trail began with the death of 43-year-old Selmer Draznower
from Johannesburg. Witnesses told how Gamer dragged his master under the
wheels of an approaching bus before scampering off.

Amazingly, Gamer was then given to 68-year-old Wilma Hassamore who survived
just three months after his arrival. Gamer decided to cut short her
seaside holiday by leading her off the end of a pier. The dog pulled back
at the last second but Wilma plunged into the sea and drowned.

Next was Marvin Wurtenheim, 28, who thought his prayers had been answered
when Gamer arrived. But the misguided mutt butted Marvin off a railway
platform.

Unbelievably, the dog was then given to retired Clarence MacDuff, 67, also
from Johannesburg. As Gamer was guiding the unlucky Clarence to his doctor,
the hapless hound dragged him under the wheels of a delivery truck.

A spokesman for the Guide Dogs For The Blind Association, in Durban, South
Africa, said: We had no choice but to have him put down.

Last night, the chief trainer for Britains Guide Dogs For The Blind
Association, Bob Steele, said: This could never happen here. If there are
any doubts about the animal, it is dropped from our training programme at
once.

What do you call a nun that has had a sex change operation?

-A Transistor

A black guy and a puerto rican guy are both in a car…whos driving?

A Cop!!!