Old and New Jokes

Never invest in anything that eats.

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?

A man calls a lawyers office. The phone is answered Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Im sorry, hes on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Hes playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

This just in:

A well known college professor has been arrested and accused of putting marijuana in the food that seagulls consume. When asked why he did this he stated –

I want to leave no tern unstoned

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.

The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.

Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.

Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box…and it says….Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions) She looks around to see if anybodys watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter… Ill take one. He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down there. To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…nothing. Shes totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does.

The man from behind the counter says, Ive had a few complaints earlier today, Ill be right over.

After the man got to her house the woman says, See, Ive done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, IM ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!

You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your bathroom it blew your house off its wheels!

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, Lets go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.The guy with the Chihuahua says, We cant go in there. Weve got dogs with us.The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, Just follow my lead.They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, You dont understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog.The bouncer says, A Doberman Pinscher?
He answers, Yes, theyre using them now; theyre very good and protect me from robbers, too.The man at the door says, Come on in.The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, What the heck, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.Once again the bouncer says, Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.The guy with the Chihuahua says, You dont understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.The bouncer at the door says, A Chihuahua?The man with the Chihuahua says, A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!

Lab Reports
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
isnt it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. Itll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints Oh no you dont! whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: Youre in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.