Old and New Jokes

1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
2. you sleep with your eyes open.
3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
4. the only time youre standing still is during an earthquake.
5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
6. youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
8. you chew on other peoples fingernails.
9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
12. you dont sweat, you percolate.
13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize its not plugged in.
14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
15. youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
16. instant coffee takes too long.
17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
19. you short out motion detectors.
20. you dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
21. you help your dog chase its tail.
22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
24. you get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
25. you answer the door before people knock.

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.



Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.



The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.



On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.



Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.



Moses then turned to Jesus and said, I hate playing with your Dad.

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.

1) Light a candle on your roomies, friends, or relatives forehead while they are sleeping. See how long it takes for them to wake up. This will tell you how long you will live. 2) Tell your future by interpreting the patterns in popcorn, beer cans and cigarette butts left on the floor after your last party. Its a lot like reading tea leaves. 3) Choose an outfit for the day using a divining rod. 4) Determine what your friends have done during the day by smelling their odor eaters. 5) Go outside skyclad (naked), come in and interpret the patterns in your goose bumps. Its a lot like reading tea leaves. 6) Tape music videos, play them backwards on your VCR and try to find subliminal images and rock stars that take on Satanic appearances. 7) Interpret forms in your sculptured carpet. Its a lot like reading tea leaves. 8) At breakfast, eat all but a few bits of cereal, then stir it vigorously and interpret the resulting designs. Its a lot like reading tea leaves. 9) Develop a tarot style deck using subscription card inserts from magazines. 10) In a restaurant, lay on the floor under a table and interpret the designs and patterns in the gum wads. ITS A LOT LIKE READING TEA LEAVES!

A man was telling his neighbour, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect.
Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it?
Twelve thirty.

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.



When she asked him why, he said, I want to ask you something, but I dont want to offend you.



She said, You cant offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.



The cab driver then said, Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.



She said, Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.



Immediately the cab driver said, Oh, yes! Im single and Im Catholic!



The nun said, Okay, pull into that alley.



The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.



The nun said, My child, whats the matter?



He said tearfully, Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…Im married and Im Jewish!



The nun replied, Thats okay. My names Bruce and Im on my way to a costume party!

His hand caught on fire.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
Scuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, what was that all about? Nothin, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!

COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that the United States government can track a cow born nearly three years ago in Canada, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And then track her calves right to their current stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each one a cow.THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why dont we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, its worked for over 200 years and were not using it anymore.THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.