Old and New Jokes

Because she had no arms.I KNOW you laughed at that, admit it, it was awful, mean and sadistic, but you laughed…

Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.

In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.

Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing.

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?

Only a quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts!

No way, dude. We quit!

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.

Top 10 Reasons For Being French

When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
Its easy being a soap dodger
You get to eat shitty little things like snails and frogs legs
You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants
You dont have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
You can test your own nuclear weapons far away from your own doorstep
You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
If theres a war you can surrender really early
You dont have to bother with toilets, just shit in a hole
People think youre a great lover even when youre crap

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesnt know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.

He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the waters edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do.

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the waters edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.

The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: Chapter 11.

You must read this out loud to get the pronounciations right!

Thats not right
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive
Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP
Kum Hia

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach
Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped the coffee table
Ai Bang Mor Ni

I think you need a face lift
Chin Tu Fat

Its very dark in here
Wao So Dim

I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Wai Um Kum Nao

Staying out of sight
Lei Ying Lo

Hes cleaning his car
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great
Fu Kin Su Pah

Give it to me baby
Suk Mai Dong

England will win the World Cup
Mo Fu Kin Wai

Whos been eating all the pies?
Yo Fat Wan Ka

These phrases should help you out in most situations!

Element

Woman

Symbol

Wo

Discoverer

Adam

Quantitative Analysis

Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have
been identified.

Occurance

Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet
state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties

Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at
a moments notice totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common
ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well
that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties

Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in crystalline form. May give
violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love
her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the
dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if
in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage

Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses

Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a
heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests

Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green
if placed besides a better specimen.

Caution

Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in
inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to
succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a
certain amount of exchange is permitted.

A man started chasing his wife around the house with an egg beater. Thinking that this would be a kinky idea the wife agreed to try it out. While doing this the beater got stuck and the wife had to go to the hospital. When she got there she was shy and didnt want to be so bold about it so she told the doctor that her pussy had an egg beater stuck in it.
The doctor gave the wife an odd look and said, Well maybe you should take your cat to the vet miss!

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go!Bill replied, Well, thanks, God. Whats the difference between the two?God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision. Fine, but where should I go first? God said, Im going to leave that up to you. Bill said, OK, then, lets try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell.It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. This is great! he told God, If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven! Fine, said God and off they went.Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. Hmm, I think I prefer Hell he told God. Fine, retorted God, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going, Bill? God asked.Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, This is awful, this is not what I expected. I cant believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing