Old and New Jokes

Q. What do you do whan a Blonde throws a pin at you?

A. Run, because shes got a grenade in the other hand

U heard each of the religions r having their own airplane companies now? Each with its own motto…

Baptist Airlines: No drinking, smoking or dancing in the aisles…
Catholic Lines: All our attendants wear black
Methodist Flys: Drinks for Everybody!
Jehovah Witness Wings: No matter how short your bathroom visit… we KEEP knocking at the door..

How much sin can I get away with & STILL get to heaven…

Rainy www

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said, So youre a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write I went through a stop sign. FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Roxanne Roxanne who? Roxanne corals sure do make this aquarium pretty.

Mrs. Smith was preparing dinner when little Brad came into the kitchen. What has mamas darling been doing all day?

Ive been playing mailman, replied Brad.

Mailman? asked the mother. How could you do that when you had no letters?

I had a whole bunch of letters, said Brad. I found them in that old trunk up in the attic, all tied up with ribbon. I put one in every mailbox on the street.

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force
One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, You know, I could throw
a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very
happy.

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, Well, I could throw ten $10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.

George Bush Senior says, Of course then, I could throw one-hundred
$1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Well its not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of…(blah blah waffle)

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to make you human for a short time.

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for 15 minutes and would finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had five more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:
Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and Ill shit on its head.

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

Look, said the customer, I have no arms – would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?

Sure, said the bartender, and he did.
Now, said the customer, I wonder if youd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.

Certainly. And it was done.
If, said the armless man, youd reach in my right hand pants pocket, youll find the money for the beer. The bartender got it.
Youve been very kind, said the customer. Just one thing more. Where is the mens room?
Out the door, said the bartender, turn left, walk two blocks, and theres one in a filling station on the corner.

LA High School Maths Exam…

… City of LAHigh School Math Proficiency Exam



Name:________________ Gang:________________





1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 11 times at each drive-by, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?



2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $220 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the coke if he doesnt cut it?



3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $63 per trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?



4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroine to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?



5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. How many Chevys will he have to steel to make $600?



6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $1,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?



7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Rodney spray with 3 cans of paint?



8. Hector knocked up 4 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the gang has Hector knocked up?