Old and New Jokes

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, When hes four.

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

I found these sentences in a book which claims that they are from
actual newspaper articles:

Great care must be exercised in tying horses to trees, as they are apt
to bark.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery; we do it carefully by hand.
After Governor Baldridge watched the lion perform, he was taken to Main
Street and fed twenty-five pounds of red meat in front of the Fox Theater.
The Duchess handled the launching beautifully, confidently smashing the
champagne against the prow. The crowd cheered as she majestically slid
down the greasy runway into the sea.
Anti-nuclear protestors released live cockroaches inside the White House
Friday, and these were arrested when they left and blocked a security gate.

I worry about these people.

Path: …decvax!yale!spock!wooga

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with a son on the way. The wife has been taking the daughters to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the older daughter whispers in her mother’s ear, Can we go home now?

Not yet, replies her mother, the Mass is only half over.

We can go now, Mommy. I’m half-Jewish.

Bill Clinton Nicknames

McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill well be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel

Hillary Clinton nicknames

Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham

19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOps rules.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

A businessman approached the elevator in his office building and found a blonde sitting on the floor next to the elevator doors, crying. When he inquired what was wrong, she replied my remote wont open the doors, I cant get out!. He looked down to see her holding her cars remote door opener in her hand!

Una joven pretende entrar a una discoteca, pero el portero la detiene:

¡Aquí sólo se puede entrar con disfraz!

La mujer se va para su casa pensando cómo disfrazarse. En eso, se le ocurre una idea:

¡Ya está, me voy desnuda y pintada de blanco! Se acabó, un disfraz.

Llega a la disco, la dejan entrar y cuando está allí bailando se le acerca un tipo y le pregunta:

Oye, tú vienes de fantasma ¿no?

La tía le lanza con una mirada pícara, levanta una pierna y contesta:

No, hijo, no. ¡Vengo de muela picada, de muela picada!

I will meet you at the corner.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy a ticket at all. How are you going to ride without a ticket? said one perplexed accountant.Watch and youll see, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.