A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lords Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
Lead us not into temptation she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.
Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road: A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.
The farmer says its OK as long as they dont disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals.
Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmers door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says its OK and lets him in.
In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmers door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside.
Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs…
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldnt afford to feed it. Hed never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,
000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. Hes carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,
000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.
Hed never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, Remember me? The elephant nods yes.
The man then holds up his bat and says, Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no….
Limmerick of the Day:
There once was a girl from Wenatch, She tried to get it on with a match, She got so excited, The damn thing ignited, And burned all the hair off her snatch!
(This story is old and is from a time when even in France certain rubber and
leather goods were not openly sold.)
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesnt have a black
hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
chapeau noir. So off he goes to find a store open late.
First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, Msieur, ou
pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir? (1)
The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend
directions. The store–if that is what it is–looks a little seedy and run
down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend.
He speaks first:
Msieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir.
Mais, monsieur, jai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux
marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin dun capeau
noir?
Ma femme est morte.
O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!
(1) The story hinges on the pun: chapeau(hat)–capeau(slang for condom)
Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None – it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
What is the worst golf foursome?
O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Monica Lewinski, and Bill Clinton.
Why?
O.J. Slices, Kennedy cant go near the water, Monica hooks, and Bill does not know what hole he is on.
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. This picture looks like someone I know she says. The other one has a look and says, Of course dummy, its ME….
Check it out! A strange coincidence.
Colin
If any of you remember the movie Back to the Future II you will recall that Bif goes to the future and steals a Sports Almanac, where in turn he goes back to the past to give it to young Bif. As we all know Young Bif was able to become very wealthy by betting on games where he already knew the final score.
In an obscure line you hear young Bif say Florida is going to win the World Series in 1997, yeah right
This movie came out in 1987, ten years before the Marlins did actually win the world series. And whats really weird is that Florida didnt even have a baseball team in 1987.
Little Johnnys kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
Yes, said the policeman. The detectives want him very badly.
So Little Johnny asked, Why didnt you keep him when you took his picture?