Old and New Jokes

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "Whats the matter Jim?"Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You cant get out of here with an 8-iron."

From Dick Reboulet, circa 1966:

A prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided theyd have a little
prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided hed have the
best of everything–food, education, … So they kept him in a little
compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he
looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and
drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the
top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldnt
make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed
up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence,
and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence
line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed
wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding … At last he consoled
his son: Dont worry, son, you can always be a consultant.

A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.

Can I help you sir?, asked the shopkeeper.

Ah, yes…I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.

The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what hes going to use it for.

The man replies, I want to shoot cans!

What? Cans! You dont need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.

The customer has enough and finally says, Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag…I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!

Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in public.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting, and deliver us from DUIs for mine is the barley, the hops and the malt, forever and ever;

BARMEN

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:/ is the root of all directories.

8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modern is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the NET and he won’t bother you for weeks

I dont have a joke link, I make my jokes from scratch.

Beer is for idiots, relatives are an exception.

Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?

Five, and you shouldve seen the light bulb! It must have been thiiiiis big.

My love for you… it came and went.

So your feet are now in wet cement.

Im here To fulfill your fondest wishes

Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me — its my final offa,

Or youll be lying wit Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection

But thats all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;

So please be mine, Valentine, or Ill have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,

I blew up your car — So why aint you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look

Youd bear a son, and now thats done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.

But youre as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.

Be mine always and youll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but yknow, dis aint really what a guys heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,

Cuz you told him goodbye — thats amore!

You are a redneck,if your prom date is your brother, or if you got to the prom in your fathers pick-up truck!