Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,DING!

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

As Im sure you can understand, she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward. Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?

Honest? replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, Im so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

Impressive. And what sort of case was that?

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, My dad sued me for the money.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky
short Guy.

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didnt stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said Stop or slow down, whats the difference?.

The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
check — a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign …

Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.

Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman Pinscher.

This came from a friends _Guns N Roses_ tape (its not mine,
really!) and I dont think its what Tipper had in mind…

This album contains language which some listeners may
find objectionable. They can F?!* OFF and buy something
from the New Age section.

After a very successful career, a former Human Relations guru found herself at the pearly gates.



Welcome to Heaven, said St.Peter. Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, weve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and were not really sure what to do with you, so what were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.





With that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and went down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with – and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up, kissed her and talked about old times.





They played an excellent round of golf, and at night went to the country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was



actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and



waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.





The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. Now its time to spend a day in heaven, he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a



great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her and asked her to choose.





The woman paused for a second and then replied, Well, I never thought Id say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell. So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.





When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She



saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.





I dont understand, stammered the woman, yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate



lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.





The Devil looked at her and smiled. Yesterday, we were recruiting you, today youre staff.