Old and New Jokes

Q*Why do elephants have big ears*

A*Because Noddy wont pay the ransom!*

AT&T fired PresidentJohn Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". Hereceived a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lackingintelligence…….With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police inOakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricadedhimself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that theman was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up….And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to havea gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated tellermachines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…. …And These Nitwits Are TeachingOur Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspensionunder his elementary schools drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoefferallegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, WestVirginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. Schoolprincipal Forest Mann reiterated the schools "zero-tolerance" policy…not tobe confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy…. Some Days, It Just Doesnt Pay toGnaw Through the Straps…. Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowners newlyinstalled fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than lastyear," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my newsecurity system…" And for the Main Course…. Aman in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarettelighters, and a pair of salad tongs.. The Getaway A man walked into aTopeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, thetake was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for threehours until police showed up and grabbed him.. Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! InOhio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inchwire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to helphim find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn thatthe man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drilland had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.. Have I Got a Deal for You! More than600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece forthe first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be spacetravelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors ofruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis andenjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running thisscam made off with over six million dollars…. Too Well-Educated In Medford,Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder ofthree people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If Ihad chosen another field, all this may not have happened…" Did I Say That?! Police in LosAngeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during alineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Giveme all your money or Ill shoot," the man shouted, "Thats not what Isaid!"Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach gota nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in hisFruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants ashe was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around,"said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside hispants." Police have the mans charred trousers in custody…. Are We Not Communicating? A manspoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are onlytwo minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Not the Sharpest Knife in theDrawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank ofAmerica branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, butunfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he usesfor a knife..

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.

(Dont let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)

From the squawk sheets:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.

Solution #2: #2 Propeller seepage normal.

Problem #2: #1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.

Solution: IT DOES NOW

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing

Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud

Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

When someone says: You dont know Jack Schitt…

Now youll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt.

Now you know Jack Schitt!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

A man goes to the confessional. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

What is your sin, my child? The priest asks back.

Well, the man starts, I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

When did you do use this awful language? said the priest.

I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

Is that when you swore?

No, Father. Said the man. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

Is THAT when you swore? asked the Father again.

Well, no. said the man, You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

Is THAT when you swore? asked the amazed Priest.

No, not yet. The man replied. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

Did you swear THEN? asked the now impatient Priest.

No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

You missed the fucking putt, didnt you? sighed the Priest.

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle players best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: Why doesnt Hillary cut Bills hair?
A: He wont pay her $300.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

Ive just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know Im not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!

Relax, honey, her husband, Roger, reassured her. It will all be OK.

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

Where are you going? Jane asked.

I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Rogers return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. Honey, I managed to get tomorrows question and answer!

What is it? she cried excitedly.

OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?

And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis.

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

The head, the heart, and the penis, Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience

of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.

Hmm, uhm, the head? she said nervously. Very good.

Six seconds. Eh, uh, the heart? Very good! Four seconds.

I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…

Thats close enough, said the game show host, CONGRATULATIONS!!

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that its a real easy game. He explains,I ask a question and if you dont know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I dont know the answer Ill pay you $5. Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, O.K., if you dont know the answer you pay me $5 and if I dont know the answer I pay you $50! Now, that got the Engineers attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? Then Engineer doesnt say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four? The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, Well whats the answer to the question? Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.