Old and New Jokes

Q: Where does the cat go when it looses its tale?

A: The retail store.

What do you get when a blonde graduates from Harvard with a 4.0 average?

A dean who has been very happy for the last 4 years.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who mightve designed the human body.

The first one said, It mustve been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff – a mechanical engineer must have designed all that.

The second one said, No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer.

Then the third one said, No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she

would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no – My wifes dinner party!!!

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said –

Come on guys, were almost there!

How do you confuse a woman?? Give her a choice!!

A-Knock knock.
B-Whos there?
A-Little boy blue.
B-Little boy blue who?
A-Michael jackson!

If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.

Three men were sitting on a bridge one red head one brunet and one blonde the first one said if my wife packes me ham agian im gonna comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 2 man goes if my wife packes me spagagtti agian im going to comit suicide and jump off this bridge. 3 man says if my wife pakes me salami agian im gonna comit suicdie and jump off this bridge. The next day the first one got ham his jumped off. The 2 one got spagetti and he jumped off the bridge. The 3 one got bologna and he jumped off the bridge. The 1 wife said im so sorry, the 2 wife said im so sorry, The 3 wife said dont look at me he packes his own lunch.

Mother: Hows your history paper coming?



Son: Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and its been very helpful.



Mother: Really?



Son: Yes, so far Ive located 17 people who sell them!