30
Jul

Jewish Lottery Wish

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely! He doesnt win the lottery.



The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery! Once again, he doesnt win.



The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: Help me, help me!



He says, Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?



Buy a ticket!

30
Jul

Writing on the walls

WRITING ON THE WALLSFriends dont let friends take home ugly men.
——-Womens restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DERemember, its not, How high are you? its Hi, how are you?
——-Rest stop off Route 81, West VirginiaNo matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
—–Mens Room, Lindas Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. CarolinaA Womans Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, youre
going to have trouble with it.
——-Womens restroom, Dicks Last Resort, Dallas, TexasExpress Lane: Five beers or less.
——Sign over one of the urinals, Ed DebevicsYoure too good for him.
—-Sign over mirror Womens room, Ed DebevicsNo wonder you always go home alone.
—–Sign over mirror in Mens room, Ed DebevicsThe best way to a mans heart is to saw his breast plate open.
——-Womens restroom, Murphys, Champaign, ILIf you voted for Bush in the last election, you cant take a
dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
——-Mens room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, WashingtonBeauty is only a light switch away.
——-Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North CarolinaIf life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
lets all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
——-Armands Pizza, Washington, D.C.Dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.
——-Mens restroom, Murphys, Champaign, ILWhat are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your
hands.
——-Mens restroom, Lynaghs

30
Jul

Canadian History Lesson

On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got its name.

Below is his explanation…

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

You know, said the first explorer, we should name this place were hiking through.

I agree, said the second explorer.

Great idea quipped the third explorer.

Well each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.

Okay, said the third, Ill go first. C, eh.

The second said: N, eh.

The first… D, eh.

And now you know the story.

30
Jul

Xmas greetings

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice religion at all;

and

a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious or sexual preference of the wishes.

(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it implies no promise by the wishor to actually attempt to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)

30
Jul

Top 10 Reasons To Live On Prince Edward

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on Road to Avonlea
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the Anne of Green Gables house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesnt matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You dont share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

30
Jul

Befits of Obesity

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.

One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what theyre looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. Its important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.

Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didnt live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.

First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight theyd live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study whove lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed]

Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer.

Lets list some benefits of obesity:

Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and youll find the list isnt very long. The one pleasure thats life-long and never pales is eating.

Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I dont), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you.

Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. Ive seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives arent relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.]

Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories.

Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times.

Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the promise of pneumatic bliss.

Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earths resources. So why didnt this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can standneither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter.

Think about it.

29
Jul

Potential Reality

A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.
His dad says, Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.

He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, Dad, she said, Yes!.

OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.

A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. Dad, she said, Yes! also!

His dad told him, There you go.

His son looked at him, puzzled. Dad I still dont understand.

Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.

29
Jul

Join in the new game

Join in the new game thats sweeping the country. Its called Bureaucracy. Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

29
Jul

A fine is tax for

A fine is tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

29
Jul

If a donkey is an

If a donkey is an ass and a sheep is a ram, how come a ram in the ass is
a goose?