1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
Its a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMT thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and its not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. Were just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. Im fairly certain its some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take One quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. Its much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. Its actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner Frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
Youd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we dont actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. Its the Old fashioned pride in a job well done thats missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CANT MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men And women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless were experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CANT MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave…Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our arses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ARSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time there by passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by Saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CANT MEN JUST SAY I LOVE YOU?
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. Its not easy to admit to ones own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho… Arent you special? Well, some men think its a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESNT MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply dont have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WONT MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesnt really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well youll pick it up.
14. WHATS WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. Its our way to let youknow that were comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually asign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
Its an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying? Squiffys House of Fun
There was this little boy who workes on a market stall he had a bald head and a blind man came up to him and rubbed his head and said how much is this watermelon
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majestys Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the mans body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant? From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir! he replied. Very good!, the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 65. He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, What about you, Corporal? Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir! the corporal
said. Very good! replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.
Finally, the last soldier was addressed. And you, Private, where
would you like measured? From the tip of me penis to the base of
me balls, Sir! retorted the private. The commander replied, I must
admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but its your
decision. He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing
measurement. Immediately the generals mouth fell agape and he
stammered, Where in Gods name are your gonads, Private?!!
The private proclaimed, Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!
The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think its ok to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts.
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer if I can guess how many sheep in youre flock will you give me a sheep.
The farmer says OK.
The brunette says 485.
The farmer says thats right but if I can guess youre natural hair color can I have my sheep back.
the brunette says OK.
The farmer says blonde.
The brunette says how did you know.
The farmer says you just picked the dog.
I read about this in an AP newswire and rewrote it in my own words to avoid copyright problems:
It seems that a diehard fan of the soccer club Real Betis died last year. But he asked his son to take his remains to every game.
So sonny boy did one better: he renewed his membership, entitling the ashes to a seat at the games…
Well, this is not the end to it: the management of the field asked him not to bring his fathers ashes anymore, because they were in a glass urn, which they considered a dangerous object :-O
So the son went back next match with the ashes in a cardboard box. Incredible but true…
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None — Hell only promise change.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!