Old and New Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store. There were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something with which she could help the gentleman. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrasment, so I was wondering what you could give me for it. The pharmacist said, Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car and $3000.00 a month living expenses.

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow.

Who is this incredibly fine archer? cries the duke. I must find him.

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.

You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asks the duke worriedly.

No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.

That is truly astonishing, says the duke. I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favour in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.

Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.

Q: What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

A: Nothing. Theyve never met.

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfathers clock which he prized highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.

Mister, he said thickly, could I ash you a questn?

What is it? demanded the exhausted young man.

Why on earth dont you carry a watch?

This Christmas, Mom decided to give me a couple of albums on
compact disc. Not knowing my taste in music, she went down to
the local record store and tried to buy some blank CDs.
According to her, the sales clerk wasnt very helpful.

I would love to have heard that conversation.

Yo mama has three fingers and a banjo.

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:
BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:
LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop … It read:

MAIN ENTRANCE.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.

The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, and the souls of your children.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?