Old and New Jokes

Im surprised that nobody has posted any jokes regarding this scandal yet.

For anybody overseas, or living in a cave, this woman Heidi ran a brothel that catered to Hollywoods biggest stars, movie executives, and (allegedly) professional sports players.

She got caught, and the whole affair has Hollywood buzzing. There are rumors that the judge is going to subpoena her black book, which contains all of her customers. The press has nicknamed her the Madam of the stars.

Because of her sudden fame, she is selling interviews, pictures, etc. (She is a prostitute after all …) I heard these prices on the radio this morning.

The movie rights to her life story, including the scandal, will be sold for $1 million dollars. (This is a very high price for movie rights, but many of the top movie executives will willingly pay more for the story, to make sure that they are NOT portrayed in the movie!)

A picture of the COVER of her black book, listing her clients, sells for $15,000.

Shes selling television interviews for $150,000. (Considering that an evening with Heidi, before she was caught, was only $1500, women should now know why men dont like to just talk!)

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…

Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?

Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says: Oh God! Are you still in there!

Q. Why dont witches like to ride their brooms when theyre angry?

A. Theyre afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

A. Dayscare centers.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?

A. I Scream.

Q. What do witches put on their hair?

A. Scare spray.

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

A. Bamboo.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?

A. Boo boos.

Q. Why couldnt Draculas wife get to sleep?

A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?

A. Theyre good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why wasnt there any food left after the monster party?

A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?

A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?

A. His other fang.

Its 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when Im bottomless.

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, Mama needs a new pair of pants!

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. YES! I WIN! I WIN!

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, What did she roll anyway?

The other answers, I dont know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!

A stutterer returned from a two-week intensive stuttering therapy program in a distant city. His friends asked how the therapy had gone.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, the stutterer said, completely fluent.

His friends expressed amazement.

Y-y-y-yes, b-b-b-but its h-h-hard t-to w-w-work th-that into a c-c-c-conversation, he said.

The best of old postings from RHF are now also available in the new group rec.humor.funny.reruns.

The archives are also at http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, Im going into retrieve it.

The old farmer replied. This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.
The lawyer asked, What is the NC three-Kick Rule? The Farmer replied. Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, Okay, you old redneck southerner, now its my turn.

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

Hello, is this the FBI?

Yes. What do you want?

Im calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bobs house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bobs house.

Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Happy Birthday Buddy

A good Irishman, John OReilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John OReilly hoisted his beer and said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me loving wife! That won him top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night. She said, Aye, and what was your toast?

John replied, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?

She said, Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.