Old and New Jokes

How many Italians does it take to screw in the light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in, and two to shoot the witnesses.

Submitted-by: mcgrew@Sun.COM (Darin McGrew)

I dont know the origin of this, but we got it via my wifes aunt in
South Dakota. For those days when the little ones have gotten to be
just a bit too much…

MOMS BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. no, no.
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
shortening from cats tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows
for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call
was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct
dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you
have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside
while theres still time and hes still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away–
far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didnt
know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the
street. Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden
hose in mans front door mail slot. Promise to pay for
ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.

Its rated Arr!

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didnt get there by himself, he doesnt belong there, he cant get anything done while hes up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. Thats a post turtle."

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

…do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heavens Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.

Heard on the WRIF morning radio show:

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was also a taxidermist?

No matter what happens, youll always get your dog back.

A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
Megan, age 14

Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
Angela Martin, age 11

Never blow in a cats ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they dont let go for at least a minute.
Lisa Coburn, age 9

Dont think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
Nick Coleman,age 9

Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you dont know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13