A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

None of the kids that live in your house…

What do you get when you cross a Black with a Japenese?

Someone who on December 7th, gets an uncontrollable urge to attack Pearl
Bailey.

Ok, so this isnt really a knock knock joke but who cares? anyway here it is.

heres a really good tip:

never spit or pee into the wind.

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said Say your ABCs first

The boy started saying A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The teacher asked at the end Where is your P? The boy answered Running down my pants!!

No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize a cat.

Retiring from a big corporate job in LA, Marvin moves to Tel Aviv. (So nu, you were thinking maybe hed move to a kibbutz?)

Wanting to contribute to nation-building somehow he focuses on stock-trading, the only vocation he knows. But, to commute to his new humble penthouse office, he refuses to drive a Mercedes like everyone else so he buys himself … a camel.

Every night Marvin parks his camel in the garage under his Tel Aviv Condo and the next morning he mounts the camel for the commute to his new office in Ramat Gan.

One day Marvin comes down to the parking garage and the camel is gone … stolen!

He calls the police who arrive within minutes. The first question is What color was your camel?

Marvin replies he doesnt remember, Probably camel colored I guess … sort of brownish-greyish.

And how many humps on your camel? asks the policeman.

Who counts humps … one, maybe two, I dont know for sure.

And the height of the camel, sir?

Whats with these dumb questions? Marvin asks. The camel was about three feet taller than I am. So maybe 9 feet, 10 feet. I cant be certain.

Just one last question to complete my report, sir. Was the camel male or female?

Ah, that I know for sure he was a male.

How can you be so certain of his sex when you dont remember anything else about your camel asks the policeman.

Well, says Marvin, everyone knows hes a male. Every day Id ride the camel to work through the streets of Tel Aviv and people would stop and say to each other … Look at the schmuck on that camel!

A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply
because he is breathing. Medical research would be spent on developing new birth
control methods for men. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be
considered Macho. The hem of mens pants would go up or down depending
on the economy. Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey. Fewer women would be dating because the ideal weight
standard would increase by 40 pounds. Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would come with papers showing their true identity,
marital and employment status, if they live with their
mother, and whether they have had their shots. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. Ms. Magazine would have a annual swimsuit issue featuring
scantily clad male models. Men who designed womens shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within
two hours of bedtime. Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice
as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks. Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas. Men would HAVE to get playboy for the articles, because there
would be no pictures. Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you. Youre
beautiful. Of course you dont look fat in that outfit, Go
to sleep – Ill take care of the baby, etc. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as m

-What did the hurricane say to the coconut?

-Hold on to your nuts, its going to be a hell of a blow job!