Old and New Jokes

Good girls say Thanks for a wonderful dinner.

Bad girls say, Whats for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girls man.

Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.

Bad girls dont wear any.

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner.

Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies.

Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss.

Bad girls never do either, unless hes very, very rich.

Good girls believe youre not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of
pearls.

Good girls love Italian food.

Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;

Amen

Why are a pilgrims pants always falling down?

Because the belt buckles are on their hats.

A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill.

The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor.

One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the ladys bed with an equally naked lady.

In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off.

About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson.

Hey, said Thompson, did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New York?

Well, yes answered Topper. You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely wife and child. I gave her your name because youre a bachelor, and I didnt want any complications. I hope I didnt get you into any trouble.

No, no, on the contrary, replied his friend. Her lawyer called me to inform me that I had inherited the manor and the ladys entire estate!

IN THE BAG

A tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didnt know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and its obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The grooms best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

Well, replied the man when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

Oh, you shouldnt worry about that too much, said his friend.

Im sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she cant expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said, I dont know if I can get over this though… She gave me $20 change!

There was a young couple living in a Nudist Colony when one day, their five year old son comes running up to his Mother.

Hey Mommmy!, said her son, Those things that Women have on their chests..how come some are bigger and some are smaller?



Thinking a moment his mother said, Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the woman is.



oh, said her son,Well, what about those things men have between their legs? How come some of THEM are bigger and some are smaller?



Well son, said the mother, Its just the opposite. The bigger they are the smarter the man is.



Puzzled, the mother asked, Why do you ask son?



Oh..well I just saw Daddy out back talkin to this REALLY dumb woman and hes gettin smarter and smarter!

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

How do you spoil an [ethnic] party?

flush the punch bowl.

A watch dog