Old and New Jokes

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
So they have some place to put their feet.

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, Why do you dress funny?

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priests plastic collar tab and asked, Do you have an owie?

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, Do you know what those words say?

Yes I do, said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, What the hell was that all about?

Still staring down, the drunk replied, I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But Im not a Giants fan," the little hero replies."Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter."Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "Im not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "Im a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

[Heard on the radio recently in Ithaca, NY]

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend
off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a
shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and
punch it in the nose as hard as possible.

If this doesnt work, beat the shark with your stump.

…start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
…be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
…resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
…eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
…understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
…overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
…take criticism and blame without resentment,
…face the world without lies and deceit,
…conquer tension without medical help,
…relax without liquor,
…always sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you’re probably the family dog.

Un explorador andaba por el Amazonas y se encuentra con una tribu de caníbales.

El explorador, asustado, dice: ¡Ya me cargó la chingada!

De repente se abre el cielo y sale un rayito de luz que lo ilumina y se oye una voz grave:

No, no te ha caragado la chingada, toma la lanza del jefe y mata a su único hijo.

El explorador hace lo que le indica la voz, y mata al hijo. Los caníbales se quedan estupefactos.

De nuevo se abre el cielo, y se oye la misma voz:

¡Ahora sí pendejo, ya te cargó la chingada!

Llegan un elefante y una hormiga al Registro Civil. Titubeando, el paquidermo se dirige al juez:

Señor, juez… Este… Es que nos queremos casar.

La hormiga lo interrumpe y, recriminándole entre dientes, le reclama:

¿Nos queremos? ¡Nos teneemooos que casar!

George Carlin Speaks Out…



I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.



I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.



I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, youd better do it in English.

Im not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesnt take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer.



I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.



I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.



I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.



I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.



I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I dont think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I dont use the excuse its for the children as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.



I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?



Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.



I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.



I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.



I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.



I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please dont pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

Im neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.



If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, Im a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.



We need our country back!

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat.

The man groaned but didnt budge.

The usher became impatient. Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, whats your name?

Sam, the man moaned.

Where ya from, Sam?

With pain in his voice Sam replied … the balcony.