Old and New Jokes

Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

I was in that new restaurant across the street, said one. Its so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–its so sanitary that the whole place shines.

Please, said the other roach frowning. Not while Im eating!

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!

Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?!

A prostitute! Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant

Manejaba un hombre por un pueblo de gente conocida como muy poco inteligente junto a cuatro amigos en un viejo Renault 4. En medio de un puente se encuentran con un operativo caminero, un oficial los detiene y los interroga:

Señores, dice el oficial, necesito ver la documentacion del vehículo.

No hay problema, aquí tiene.

Después de observar los papeles el oficial comenta:

Bueno señor, tendré que levantar una infracción.

¿Por qué? Si todos los papeles están en orden.

¡Claro que no, aquí dice Renault 4 y ustedes son 5 pasajeros!

Pero oficial… el 4 es el modelo del automovil, no tiene nada que…

¡Basta de discutir! ¡Aquí solo pueden viajar 4 personas!

Pero es una locura que…

¡BASTA HE DICHO! ¡Baje del vehículo ahora mismo!

¡Está bien! ¡Está bien! ¡Pero exijo hablar con el jefe del operativo!

Bueno, pero va a tener que esperar que termine de discutir con los dos pasajeros del Fiat Uno.

Estaba un borrachín afuera de su casa gritándole a la puerta:

¡Abracadabra! ¡Abracadabra!

En eso, pasa un policía y le dice:

Oiga, señor, ¿de veras cree que la puerta se va a abrir diciéndole abracadabra?

¡Achís! ¿A poco dije abracadabra? Perdón, me equivoqué…

Y entonces comienza a gritar:

¡Abre, cabrona! ¡Abre cabrona!

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:

Everything Men Know About Women



































End of Report

U.S. Attorney Generals Office

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

The man below says: Yes youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.

You must work in Information Technology, says the balloonist.

I do, replies the man. How did you know?

Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but its of no use to anyone.

The man below says, You must work in business as a manager. I do, replies the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, says the man, you dont know where you are or where you are going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met but now its my fault.

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half…

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

Who made that tackle? asked the ant.

I did, said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, Who made that great stop? I did, said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, Where were you in the first half?

The centipede replied, Puttin on my shoes!

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