Our correspondent in Poland reports that Wojciech Jaruzelski, Tadeusz
Mazowiecki and Lech Walesa met in a summit conference, and the only thing
that they could agree on was that George Bush has a funny name.
From the SF Chronicle, Herb Caens column
Knock knock!
Whos there?
I dont know. Go answer the door.
Abie and Moishe ran a Judaica shop on Delancy Street on the Lower East Side of NY for 33 years. Their once thriving business was doing poorly because almost all the Jews moved away and the neighborhood was now Hispanic.
Abie came up with a novel idea. Why not sell Catholic goods so they could stay in business?
Moishe agreed. So, Abie called up a Catholic good supply house on Park Avenue and placed his order. He said:
Catholic Supply House. Id like 100 rosary beads, 50 autographed pictures, and 75 crucifixes.
The supply house representative confirmed the order and then said:
Do you vant the crucifixes mit Jesus or mitout Jesus? By the way, we dont deliver on Saturdays. Were closed for Shabbos.
Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Ehhh, Macarena!
(Dance to shitty music stupid Americans! You are so stupid that you think this shitty music is good. Dance to shitty music stupid Americans. Heeeyyy, stupid Americans!)
Macarena tiene un novio que se llama Que se llama de apellido Vitorino Y en la jura de bandera del muchacho Se la dio con dos amigos
(Stupid Americans will have sex with a llama. You dance like a llama to this idiotic song! While youre busy your girl will go at it with our friends. My buddies will be with her in the bathroom)
Que le gusta la movida guerrilera Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles Y se compra los mnodelos mas modernos Le gustaria viva on Nueva York
(You fat gorillas like shitty music. Stupid Americans paid sixteen dollars for this song. You cant tell your asses from your faces. Wed rather be back in Puerto Rico, but the welfare is better in NYC!)
RAINY-WWW
What do you say to an [ethnic] with a job?
– Burger and Fries please.
So there are three girls that escaped from jail;a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. So the three girls escape and go into a barn close by. The brunette goes with the pigs, the redhead goes with the chickens, and the blonde goes in the corn field. The police arrive at the barn and look in the pigpen and ask if anyone is in there and the brunnete goes oink, oink, oink. so then they check the chickens and ask if anyone is in there and the redhead goes bawk, bawk, bawk. then they check in the cornfield and ask if anyone is in there and the blonde goes corn, corn, corn.
How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:
Republican say Merry Christmas!
Democrats say Happy Holidays!
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for incredible tv offers on late night television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they dont admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is Miracle on 34th Street.
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is Its a Wonderful Life.
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is Diehard.
Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts… and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is Deck the Halls.
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
Republicans favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.
Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play Cowboys and Indians.
Democrats dont either, as long as the Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus…
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus…
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only 4000, take lots of water.Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Lets not touch this one.Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is….oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first days mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones ad yesterday. It should have read One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: For sale — R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Dont call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.