The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?
Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, youre just lazy.
Okay, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
Doc, I need something for my eyes…cant see well these days.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor hes very depressed.
Doc says, Whats the problem…didnt the glasses help you?
The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
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Joe wakes up one fine spring morning and starts to go about his daily routine when he notices that his backyard is full of penguins. In a rush to get to work, Joe phones his friend Paul and tells him to take the penguins to the zoo while he rushes to work. Paul agrees, and Joe goes to work.Later that evening, as Joe is driving home from work, he spots Paul and all the penguins walking behind him in single file. Perplexed, Joe pulls over and yells to Paul, I thought you were taking those penguins to the zoo. Paul then casually replied, Yeah, but I had money left over so now Im taking them to the movies.
A man went to a doctor. I have three balls, he said, and I dont like that very much.
As he sounded very depressed, the doctor decided to cheer him up. Three balls is wonderful, he said, women go wild on men with three balls.
Are you sure? the man asked.
Absolutely sure, the doctor said.
The man left and went home by bus. Considering his doctors words he feels better and better. He even cant keep his joy to himself. So he says to this great black man next to him: You know, together we have five balls!
The big man looks at him and says: Really? Youve got only one?
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as restrooms, bathrooms, outhouses, commodes, mens rooms, and several other names.
As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race arent allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Dont talk to somebody you dont know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely dont spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If theres any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, dont do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X……(X = occupied, . = empty) X…..X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X
Amit era un alto funcionario de la corte del Rey Akbar. HacÃa ya algún tiempo, él nutrÃa un deseo de chupar los voluptuosos senos de la Reina hasta extasiarse. Un dÃa, le reveló su deseo secreto a Birbal, el consejero del Rey, y le pidió que lo ayudara. Después de pensarlo bien, Birbal estuvo de acuerdo en ayudarlo a cambio de mil monedas de oro. Amit aceptó el precio.
Al dÃa siguiente, Birbal preparó un lÃquido que causaba comezón y lo derramó en el sostén de la Reina que habÃa dejado fuera mientras se bañaba. Poco después comenzó la comezón en sus senos, aumentando en intensidad a medida que pasaban las horas, dejando al Rey muy preocupado. Enseguida llamaron a Birbal para solicitar su opinión sobre el caso, a lo que él contesta que solamente una saliva muy especial aplicada por un periodo de cuatro horas curarÃa el mal. Birbal también dijo que afortunadamente esa saliva podrÃa ser encontrada en la boca de Amit.
El Rey Akbar mandó a llamar a Amit inmediatamente, quien por las siguientes cuatro horas chupó salvajemente los senos de la Reina. Lamiendo, mordiendo, apretando y manoseando los senos de la Reina, Amit hizo su sueño realidad.
Satisfecho, Amit se encontró horas más tarde con Birbal. Como la misión de aquel ya estaba cumplida y la libido de Amit satisfecha, éste se rehusó a pagar al consejero y encima se hizo el indignado. Por supuesto, Amit sabÃa que Birbal nunca podrÃa contar al Rey la verdad.
Pero Amit habÃa subestimado a Birbal. Al dÃa siguiente, Birbal, para vengarse, colocó el mismo lÃquido en los calzoncillos del Rey, quien inmediatamente mandó a llamar a Amit.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. Hes allowed to say only two words every 7 years.
After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.
Cold floors, he says.
They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
He clears his throat and says, Bad food. They nod and send him away.
7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
I quit, he says.
Thats not surprising, the elders say…
Youve done nothing but complain since youve been here!
Blooms Seventh Law of Litigation: The judges jokes are always funny.
He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short – he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
He is not from Maryland; hes simply from somewhere.
He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.