Old and New Jokes

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her

on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While hes in there, the husband tells his wife, Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasnt seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, hell kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds, He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too.

Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

Yes, the professor ansvered. When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

Well, said the gatekeeper. That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

Thank you very much, Saint Peter, the professor ansvered.

Im am not Saint Peter, said the gatekeeper. He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says You cant bring that dog in here! The guy, without missing a beat, says This is my seeing-eye dog. Oh man, the bartender says, Im sorry, here, the first ones on me. The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says You cant bring that dog in here unless you tell him its a seeing-eye dog. The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says Hey, you cant bring that dog in here!

The second man replies This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender says, No, I dont think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs. The man pauses for a half-second and replies What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?

The deadline is one week after the original deadline.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the
first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out GREEN SIDE UP!.

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP!.

The lady then asked him, Why do you keep yelling green side up?.

Im sorry, came the reply. But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

1.

25. Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Two diehard golfers are out playing a round when a thunderstorm
comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down
and stikes the golfers dead..

Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to
the 2 men.

Sorry, but we made a mistake says God, it seems that it
was not your time to die. Now I can send you back but you have
to go back as someone different, it is just too confusing since
they all ready had the funeral. In fact your wife is already
dating he says to one of the golfers.

After two golfer have a little talk they approach God and
request we decided we want to go back as a couple of
dykes ask the first golfer, good looking dykes if you
please says the second.

I can send you back as dykes replies God but I must
know why you guys want to be dykes

Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to
eat pussy says the first golfer, plus we get to tee off
from the womans tee.