Old and New Jokes

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.

A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. What are you supposed to be? asked the host.

Im a snail. he said, Cant you see, Im carrying Michelle on my back.

Gardeners playing cards – weed em and reap.

A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:

Excuse me…is the bar tender here?

Perforation is a rip-off!

A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff…

Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.

And dont forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum… They said he had too many hang-ups.

Friction. Its such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

For Theresa Muir who requested Canadian / Newfie humour:

Back in the days when trains ran in Newfoundland, a passenger was travelling from Corner Brook to St. Johnn when, all of a sudden, there was a tremendous thump and bang followed by a really rough ride for a few seconds. This was followed by another thump, bang and the ride became smooth again.

Just then, the conductor was passing through the car, so the passenger asked, What happened back there?

The conductor replied, Oh, we just ran over a mainlander.

The passenger asked, What, was he lying on the track?

The conductor replied, Oh no, he was out in the field but we got him!

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Una pareja de inditos, vivían en una montana a tres horas de la ciudad; un día el indito se enferma y le dice a su esposa:

Vieja, yo no mi sientu muy bien mi duele todo el cuerpu y la cabeza también.

La indita al oír esto le responde:

Pues andati donde el ductor a ver que ti dice.

El indito agarra a su burro y sale para la ciudad, después de 3 horas llega donde el doctor y le dice:

Ductor ductor, yo mi sientu muy mal.

Dígame, señor, ¿qué le pasa?

Mi duele todu el cuerpu y la cabeza también.

Después de unos estudios el doctor le da la receta y le dice:

Bueno, quiero que se ponga dos supositorios por el recto tres veces al día.

Aaah ta güenu, ductor.

El indito se regresa y cuando llega a la casa le pregunta la mujer:

¿Y que ti dijo?

No, pues que me mitiera dos supositorios tres veces al día que por el rectu.

Aah, ta güeno, le dice la indita.

A los pocos minutos viene el indito y le dice:

Oye, vieja ¿ques el rectu?

Y no le preguntastes imbécil, regresati, regresati.

Se regresa el indito donde el médico y le pregunta:

Disculpe ductor ¿que es el rectu?

Ay, Dios mío dice el doctor, por el ano pues.

Aah, ta güeno.

Y se regresa para la montaña, y al llegar le pregunta la indita:

¿Y qué ti dijo?

No, que esqui era por el anu.

Ah ta güeno pues, le dice la indita.

A los pocos minutos le pregunta el indito a su mujer:

Oye, vieja ¿y qué es el anu?

¿Y no le preguntastes istupido? regrisati, regrisati,

Y dice el indito:

¡Aah, yo no mi regresu, capaz si me regresu me dice que me lo meta por el culo!

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says shes going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her.

We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will recieve the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.

The Redhead walks in and says, I think I am the most intelligent woman here and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.

The Brunette walks in and says, I think I am the most beautiful woman here and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.

Next the Blonde walks in and says, I think… and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

…And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also.

St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes.

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks…………

Hillary says to Janet, Youre lucky that you dont have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill….and theres no telling where he last had his pecker.



Janet responded…Just because I am aesthetically challenged (thats politically correct for ugly), doesnt mean I dont have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.



Hillary asks, Well how do you deal with the problem?



Janet says, Whenever I feel that a guys getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can.



Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him…..so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.



Bill rolls over and asks, That you Janet?

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot

Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.