Old and New Jokes

A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, Does this bar serve lawyers?

Of course we do, replied the bartender.

Great, said the man, Id like a beer… and give me a lawyer for my gator.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: This bull mated 50 times last year.The wife turns to her husband and says, He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: This bull mated 65 times last year.The wife turns to her husband and says, This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, also.They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: This bull mated 365 times last year.The wifes mouth drops open and says, WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.The man turns to his wife and says, Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow.

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

How am I doing? He asks.

Three knots, she replies.

Three knots? Whats that mean?

Youre not hard, youre not in, and youre not getting your money back.

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

An elderly couple has dinner at another couples house and, after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen are talking, and one says, Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I recommend it very highly.

The other man asks, Whats the name of the restaurant?

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his friend, Ah, whats the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friend replies, A carnation?

No, no. The other one, the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, The poppy?

Nah, growls the man. You know, the one that is red and has thorns.

His friend asks, Do you mean a rose?

Yes, yes thats it. Thank you! the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, Rose, whats the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

They are both meat substitutes.

Confucious say…

…woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.

…man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.

…man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.

…boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.

…man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!

…he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.

…he who smoke pot, choke on handle.

…woman who wear g-string, high on crack!

…he who stand on toilet, high on pot!

…boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!

…girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!

…man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!

…man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!

…he who masturbate, screw only himself!

…he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!

…dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!

Windows: What to shut when its below 15 below.

Screen: What cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: Thats what the flies do.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and its inoperable – in fact, its so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – theres a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?

The doctor replies, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?

Llega un hombre a una verdulería y pide medio melón. El empleado le dice que no puede venderle medio melón; ante la insistencia del cliente, el empleado decide ir a consultar con el gerente.

Mire, acá hay un pelotudo que quiere comprar medio melón.

El gerente le hace señas de que el cliente lo siguió y está detrás de él; entonces, el empleado reacciona:

¡Por suerte, aquí tenemos a este buen hombre que quiere comprar la otra mitad!

El gerente felicita al empleado por la manera en que salió de la situación y decide mandarlo a un local que tiene en Guadalajara. Sin embargo, el empleado se enoja y reclama:

Pero en Guadalajara son todas putas y futbolistas.

¡Mi mamá vive allí!, dice el gerente.

¿Ah, sí? ¿En que equipo juega?