Old and New Jokes

There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it.

There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch.

There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view.

There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwhich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwhich.

There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwhich.

So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwhich. The blast from the hunters gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river.

The moral of the story is…When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A woman appeared in front of Satan at the gates of hell.

Oh, I know *you* he said. Youre that wench who tempted all those men in room 1 into adultery.

Thats me, the lass said with a sway of her hips.

Look, said Satan, Youre obviously a beautiful young woman. What are you doing here so soon?

Well, its a sad story. You see, one of the unlucky wives caught me in bed with her husband. She pulled out a gun and aimed for him and hit me instead.

How unfortunate. Seeing as how youve given obvious pleasure to many people and were deprived of continuing this noble pursuit by accident, Ill give you a choice of three rooms to spend eternity.

In the first room were countless criminals, hung by their thumbs.

Lets see the second room.

The second room was even worse, countless lawyers hung by their toes.

Please let me see the third room!

She glanced in to see young, attractive people of both sexes standing around drinking coffee. But they were standing in a foot of manure.

Wow, these are my kind of people! And despite what their standing in, they seem to be having a good time.

Are
you sure? These are all gigolos and prostitutes.

WOW! My kind of people. Let me in!

She was admitted, the door closed, and a low voice called out: Coffee breaks over! Back on your heads!

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. But sir, said the clerk, you have the best room in the hotel. I insist on another room!!! said the drunk. Very good, sir. Ill change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you dont like 502? asked the clerk. Well, for one thing, said the drunk, its on fire.

Top five reasons why computers must be female

No one but their creator understands their internal
logic.

Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message, Bad command or file name, is about as
informative as If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im
certainly not going to tell you.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the interest of gender equality…

Top five reasons why computers must be male

Theyre heavily dependent on external tools and
equipment.

They periodically cut you off right when you think
youve established a network connection.

Theyll usually do what you ask them to do, but they
wont do more than they have to and they wont think of it on their
own.

Theyre typically obsolete within five years and need to
be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel theyve
already got so much invested in the darn thing that theyre compelled
to remain with an underpowered system.

They get hot when you turn them on, and thats the only
time you have their attention.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Meredith!
Meredith who?
Meredith kind of Knock Knock

jokes and Im leaving!

Whats the difference between love,true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Un hombre tenía un puesto para rejuvenecer camellos en el Sahara. Un tipo que tenía un camello viejo y cansado lo lleva a dicho lugar y le dice al dueño que vea qué puede hacer, aunque es bastante escéptico de los resultados.

El dueño del local le dice que no se preocupe, que en unos minutos se lo deja como nuevo, y grita: ¡Ahmeeeed!.

Del fondo del local sale un negro de dos metros con un miembro gigantesco y se lo introduce al camello; el pobre animal se levanta como si tuviera 20 años menos, y sale corriendo hasta desaparecer en el horizonte.

El dueño del camello, impresionado, dice: !Qué buena forma de rejuvenecer camellos!, pero ahora tengo otro problema: ¿cómo lo alcanzo?

El dueño del local dice:

¡No se preocupe, en segida lo alcanza! ¡Ahmeeeeed…!

A computer was something on TV

From a science fiction show

A window was something you hated to clean….

And RAM was the cousin of a goat…..



MEG was the name of my girlfriend

And GIG was your middle finger upright

Now they all mean different things

And that really MEGA bytes



An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano



Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy

You hoped nobody found out



Compress was something you did to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

Youd be in jail for a while



Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode



Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spiders home

And a virus was the flu



I guess ill stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

YO MAMA IS SO STUPID THAT
SHE ROLLED DOWN A BARBIES
CANYON!