Old and New Jokes

Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you find a large enough rock.

One day a burnette and a blond lady were walking through the park. All-of-a-sudden, the burnette stops and says Awe, look at the poor dead birdy.

The blond looks up and says Where!?

Its the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?

The youngster responds, proudly, Ya, Santa brought it for me.

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, And did Santa bring you that horse?

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, Why, yes, he did.

To which Johnny responds, Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.

SEX(1) EUNUCH Programmers Manual SEX(1)

NAME
sex – have sex

SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] … [ username ] …

DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, maam)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment

BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

MAN AUTHOUR
Sean Philip Engelson (spe@cad) at Carnegie-Mellon University

HISTORY
Oldest program ever.

What did the bird say after his cage broke?
Cheap, cheap!

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you dont, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you dont, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you dont, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an experienced man. If you dont, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you dont, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you arent, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says its bad. If you arent, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didnt respect her. If you dont, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says thats a girls way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, oh its natural, we are girls.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks its just one of the mans tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said Sorry, no professionals.

A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife geez, I never realized you had such big breasts.

The wife gets all upset and throws him out.

While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. What happened? asks the first man.

Well replies the other I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was Geez, I didnt realize you had such a big Butt…then she threw me out.

Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.

Hey says the second guy Did you put your foot in it as well?

No says the third guy, But I bloody well could have.

Did you hear about the new morning after pill for men?

It changes their blood type.

Entra un tipo muy bragado a una cantina, se acerca a la barra y le dice al cantinero:

Escuche bien lo que le voy a decir: sírvame siete copas de tequila, ni una más, porque tengo un grave defecto: cuando tomo más de siete copas empiezo a repartir las nalgas.

El cantinero, al escuchar eso, piensa que se va a divertir a lo grande.

Después de una hora, el individuo se termina la séptima copa, y el cantinero le insiste: tómese la otra, yo la invito.

El fulano se niega una y otra vez argumentando su defecto. Pero ante tanta insistencia, acepta la copa y, en cuanto se la toma, le empieza a cambiar el rostro y al momento, saca una enorme pistola, apuntando a todos los que estaban en la cantina ordenando:

Tú le das las nalgas a él, tú a este otro…