Old and New Jokes

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroners to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

This is Cletus, he says. He died of shock after winning $20 million on the lottery.



He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. This is Bo, the coroner says with a grin. He died having a good time with Trudy-May.



Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. This is Roscoe, says the coroner. He died after being struck by lightning.



Well, asks the detective, Why in heck was the fool smiling?



Oh, says the coroner. He thought he was having his picture taken.

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it….my, that was fun!

The reporter couldnt write a story about that so he asked for another.

Well, when my neighbors wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!

The reporter was frustrated. Sir, I cant submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had.

Well, the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, thar was that time I got lost…

My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of
his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his
wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get
a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well,
as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, Excuse me,
but is that a record in your pants? To this he responded, It may not be
a record, but Im mighty proud of it.

Yea, I know it didnt really happen, but I felt like
telling my joke in this manner :-).

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

If you liked the Hunchback, youll love these Disney versions . . .

The Inferno by Dante Aligheri

The poet Dante (the voice of Bruce Willis) is led by his friend
Virgil (the voice of Anthony Quinn) on a magical trip
underground to the land of Heck. Among the delightful
creatures they visit are the lovebirds Paolo and Francesca (the
voices of Andrew Dice Clay and Rosie ODonnell), the Crying
Trees (the band Nirvana), and the Five Singing Little Devils
(the Jacksons).

Animal Farm by George Orwell

Pigs, chickens, horses — all the familiar barnyard crowd — are
the heroes of this charming celebration of teamwork and
diversity. The poor animals, having suffered for years on a
failing farm under the tyranny of the cruel farmer Jones (Robert
Goulet), are suddenly liberated when Jones trips and falls down
a well. Though things are chaotic at first, the kindly young pigs
Snowball (Michael J. Fox) and Napoleon (Eddie Murphy) help
the animals all work together to turn the farm into a model of
efficiency and happiness. After the animals nurse Jones back to
health, he changes his evil ways and promises to treat all living
things as his equal.

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

With his father dead and his evil uncle Claudius (Sylvester
Stallone) now ruling over the once-happy people of Denmark,
all seems lost for poor prince Hamlet (Johnny Depp). But
Hamlets father (Leslie Nielson) is only pretending to be dead
until he can safely help place his young son on the throne and
his evil brother in jail. Featuring an underwater ballet with the
beautiful Ophelia (Bette Midler) and the loony antics of a wise-
guy skull named Yorick (Rodney Dangerfield), Hamlets best
friend.

No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre

Old friends Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Minnie Mouse are
surprised to find themselves sharing a room in a beautiful resort
hotel. Their every need is catered to by a mysterious butler (Jim
Carrey). Opening in conjunction with Walt Disney Worlds new
attraction, Being-and-Nothingness Land.

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

Young Gregor Samsa (Arnold Schwarzenegger), overwhelmed
by the demands of his job as a clerk, wishes each night that he
was a creature without responsibility. He is amazed one
morning when he awakes to find himself changed into a
beautiful beetle, which delights his family and terrifies his cruel
boss (Jerry Seinfeld), who is horribly afraid of insects. Jiminy
Cricket guides young Gregor to a happy community of insects
that nest below the dull city of Prague.

Oedipus Rex by Sophocles

Thanks to the advice of a wise old owl (Sally Kellerman), a
young boy (Neil Patrick Harris) avoids many traps set by the
evil fates (Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepard, and Mary Tyler
Moore) to help save Greece from disaster. The boy, who was
stolen from his family at birth, is finally reunited with his loving
mother (Barbara Streisand) and father (Bill Cosby).

Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett

Vladimir and Estragon (the delightful Chip n Dale) wait for
Godot (Rush Limbaugh), who arrives with limitless presents
and makes all their dreams come true.

By Marv Wolfman

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policemans brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked, What? Hows that possible?

The doctor replied, You see, its totally unused.

Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They dont make Pampers small enough.

Q: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. As long as she can get under your feet and trip you up while youre changing it.

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa. Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $50! figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blondes attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. Whats the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, its the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, Well, so what IS the answer!?
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.