Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, I found my wife in bed with my best friend.



Wow, says the barkeep. What did you do about it? I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.



That makes sense, remarks the barkeep… And, what about your best friend?



I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog**

I may be fat, but youre ugly – and I can lose weight!

There were 3 men waiting to enter Heaven. Before they were allowed to enter, St. Peter asked each man individually, Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter?

The first man said, Uh, isnt Easter the holiday when all you family Gets together to eat turkey and then you all watch football afterwards?

St. Peter shook his head. No, no, no… thats not what Easter is.

So St. Peter walked over to the second man and asked, Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter?

The second man replied, Easter is that holiday where you set up a tree And decorate it and that man in the funny red suit comes down the chimney and…

St. Peter cut him off. No, no, no, thats not what Easter is either.

St. Peter was feeling very discouraged. Did anybody know what Easter was? He walked over to the third man and asked, Tell me, what is the meaning Of Easter.

The third man answered, Easter is the holiday when Jesus was crucified On the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for Three days, and on the third day…

St. Peter interrupted him, Stop, dont go any further… let me go get These other two men. St. Peter summoned the first two men to come and listen to the third mans definition of Easter.

Okay, start over again and tell these men the meaning of Easter.

The third man started again, Easter is the holiday when Jesus was Crucified on the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for three days,…

Go on, said St. Peter.

And then on the third day, Jesus rose from the tomb, and if he saw his shadow, it was six more weeks of bad weather.

Because he knows in five minutes he will be licking your face!

Q. How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?

A. Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!

1996 will be remembered for:

The introduction of doggy bottles for French diners so they can take the remainder of their Beaujolias home and not risk being over the drink-drive limit.
The decision by Stockholm transport authorities to use cheap Spanish wine to power 82 of their buses.
The marketing of genuine Lesbian-produced wine in Germany, guaranteed to be untouched by male hands.
The recall of 30000 bottles of 1993 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild from America because protesters claimed the label – showing a delicate nude by the artist, Balthus – was an enticement for child abuse.
And the invention in Japan of a womans bra which features two little compartments for warming sake wine, one in each cup.

…Trolling the wine shelves in six countries this year, I have spotted absolutely genuine vintages labelled Chateau de Tremble, Buzbag, El Bollox, Coma, El Baterio, Latrun, Arses Rioja – you had a choice between white Arses, red Arses and rose Arses – and my newest discovery, BSE rouge.

She [Dorothy Parker] was once persuaded to try a vile home-made brew by her hosts, who had converted their garden in Tuscany into a miniature vineyard.

Where on earth does this wine come from?, she gasped, as the tannin ate into the enamel of her gritted teeth.

From our own garden, beamed her hosts, with all the smug self-satisfaction of home wine-makers.

Doesnt travel, said Dorothy.

Taken from Perrot Philips article in the Expat Investor.

And now a couple of wine observations from my year in Nigeria:

The supermarkets there sold the older wines at a reduced price since they obviously were no good as no-one had bought them yet.

The hotel restaurant insisted on keeping all wines, including the reds, in the fridge on the basis that people only wanted cold drinks in the tropics. The bottles would appear covered in frost. However, after great argument and protests of disbelief from the wine waiter we were able to get our bottles from the trolley, kept in the restaurant, used to display what wines were available. Of course we were given a discount since the wine was served warm.

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered Star Wars

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

14. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vaders seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to Use the Fifth, Luke.

11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabbas big brother, Pizza the Hut.

10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9. C3PO has a conspicuous Intel Inside sticker on his shiny brass ass.

8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin goatees.

7. New scene where Luke shakes JFKs hand and tells him he has
to pee.

6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, Hehe…hehe…she said, Lay ya.

5. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how Han Solo got his name.

4. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2s special attachment.

3. Anti -fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

…and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered Star Wars…

1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobis light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to. God said, I was going to give you a companion and it would be a woman.



God continues:



This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.



Adam asked God, What would a woman like this cost me??



God said, An arm and a leg.



Adam asked, What can I get for just a rib???



And now you know…the rest of the story. 🙂

Knock knock



whos there





boo





boo who?





dont cry, its just a joke.