A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life? The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful. Wonderful, said the psychiatrist. Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people. Definitely, said the psychiatrist. Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution. Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor. And finally, if none of these things appeals to me… I can always continue to be a teakettle!
Two Jews walk past a church and see a big sign saying Convert to Christianity and well pay you £500.
Moishe turns to Avi and says What a great offer…why dont you go in there, take the course, say youve converted to Christianity, and then well spend the cash!
Avi says Brilliant idea. You wait outside and Ill get the money.
An hour goes past. Then 2 hours.
Finally, after 5 hours, Avi comes out of the church.
Moishe asks: Well?
Avi: Well, now I believe in Jesus, the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost.
Moishe: No, no… what happened to the £500.
Avi: Thats the problem with you Jews…you only ever think about money..!!
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,
What are those for?
The elderly gentleman replied, There are just two things I cant stand…
the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!
A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier.
The hosts became very confused, and didnt know what to do – they had no such thing – they feared a diplomatic incident!
Suddenly – one of the hosts said – follow me! So – desperate as they were – they did – they followed him. Suddenly – they came to a hill, on top of which there was a statue of Sibelius.
Puzzled, everyone asked him what was that supposed to be! and so he explained: Sibelius was very very famous as a composer, but as a soldier – he was completely unknown!
Before anybody decides to correct me if i m wrong – DONT CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS!
On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hells lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesnt have a rung, because when youre at the very bottom, you dont need one.
So Smirks a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, Hey, Nixon, how come youre 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?
Nixon replies Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didnt do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybodys thinking, the stupid shits!
So George W. says, Well if you say so, but how bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post.
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice.
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minnie asks is, Do you have a condom?
Donald says No.
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesnt get a condom that they cant have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says yes we do and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald.
The clerk asks Would you like me to put that on your bill?
Donald says NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
Un joven, al estar con su novia en un parque, dentro de un auto, le ruega, lloriquea y pide por lo que más quiera que se deje montar, pero la chica no accede. Finalmente el joven le dice: ¡Anda mujer! ¡Sólo te voy a meter la mitad! Bueno, pero sólo la mitad… No lo olvides.
El joven se lanza sobre ella desesperado e introduce todo lo que tiene. La chica, al sentir la embestida, goza tremendamente y le dice a su novio: ¡Métemela toda!
El novio, algo avergonzado, tratando de salvar su orgullo le dice:
¡No! Promesas son promesas.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did?
The guy says, No, what?
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!, says the bartender.
Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff.
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?, he asks.
Now what?, responds the patron.
Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.
Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
3. Were you present when your picture was taken?
4. Were you alone or by yourself?
5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
6. Did he kill you?
7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
9. How many times have you committed suicide?
10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
11. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
13. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whos death was it terminated?
15. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
22. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
Isnt it rather complicated for a small boy? she asked the salesclerk.
Its designed to adjust the tot to live in todays world, madam, the shop assistant replied. Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.