Mary Poppins has retired from her days as a nanny and currently resides in
Venice Beach, CA, where she predicts cases of bad breath for her clients.
Her sign outside her office reads: Super California Mystic, Expert:
Halitotsis

Clearly its not the life I had before, but I laugh just as much.
O.J. Simpson during his ESPN interview on Thursday (15 Jan. 1998)
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
So, does this prove once and for all that size does matter?
Golden Globe Award-winning director James Cameron (18 Jan. 1998), whose film Titanic is the most expensive in Hollywood history.
…Ive always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why toxic waste should be exported to Third World countries
We regret the incident but will not press charges…. [Bill] commented that one of the worst things about his whole thing was that the pie wasnt that tasty.
Erin Brewer, spokesman for Microsofts Belgian office, after company chief Bill Gates was struck squarely in the face with a pie upon arrival at a meeting Wednesday (4 Feb. 1998) with business and government leaders in Brussels. Notorious prankster Noel Godin, who has previously targeted such celebrities as French film maker Jean-Luc Godard and actress Brigitte Bardot, claimed responsibility. This was a victory for us. We will continue to send our burlesque messages, said Godin, adding, Our secret is our number. Theres about 30 of us and we operate in very small groups. Two were arrested but later released when Microsoft declined to press charges.
Im proud of my son. I think that spanking paid off, made a man out of him.
Vannie Maud Starr, mother of Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

God said, It is disappointing that your request is so blatantly selfish and materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific… The concrete and steel it would take… It will nearly exhaust several of the planets natural resources. I can do it, of course, but it is hard for me to justify using so many of Earths much-needed resources for such a task. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, God, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what shes thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied, So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasnt clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasnt really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, After you.

I smiled at him and said, No, please, after you. I have all day.

The he shook his head sadly and repeated, No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months.

Because his dick was stuck in the chicken

10. You can have a woman president without electing her 9. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it 8. You can call Budweiser beer 7. You can be a crook and still be president 6. If youve got enough money you can get elected to do anything 5. If youve got a drivers licence you can get a gun 4. You can invent a new public holiday every year 3. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 2. You get to call everyone youve never met buddy 1. You can be Irish and American at the same time

My advice if you
insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like-just dont swallow it.

~ Harry Secombe

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, I dont know. My wife told me to stand here.

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. Dont worry, Maria. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take care of you.

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, Mama, Mama, Tonys got a big hairy chest.

Dont worry, Maria, said her mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and hes got hairy legs!

Dont worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go up stairs and hell take good care of you.

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half!

Stay here and stir the pasta, said her mother.

This is a job for Mama.

Esta Jesús en la Cruz. Mira a la derecha y chista:

Psst, vos, ladrón.

El ladrón lo mira receloso y pregunta:

¿Qué querés, Jesús?

Vení, vení, acercate.

Pero, Jesús, no ves que yo también estoy clavado.

Bueno, está bien.

Y se da vuelta y llama al otro ladrón. El ladrón lo mira y le pregunta qué pasa.

Vení, acercate un poco.

Pero, Jesús, no te das cuenta que no me puedo mover?

Entonces Jesús, ya enojado, les previene:

Bueno, se joden los dos. Salgo yo solo en la estampita.