Old and New Jokes

Stupid mistakes are made by others.

We only make unavoidable errors.

All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.

Theres a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat are dancing the bhangra and singing and general balle balle is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?
….. comes the reply,
Haan ji ! Hai hi baat badi khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!

(Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaughs Environmentalist Wacko Football
Picks.)

The Tree-Huggers Guide to the NFL

Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
banned. But that doesnt mean that you cant enjoy it when youre not
out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
mongering crime against the Earth. But when youre watching 22 steroid-
chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?

We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
Right.

Our General Principles:

Any animal is better than any human.
Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.
Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of
crimes against the Earth.
Team names that arent PC need to be fixed.

Some Special Cases:

Dolphins are the ultimate.
People who believe in their country are the absolute worst – lower
than whale doodoo.

And so, the Rankings:

1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (dont let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs

Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavoxs.
Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life.
Learn the difference.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ya!
Ya who?
I didnt know you were a cowboy!

The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?

Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, youre just lazy.

Okay, said the man. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

Dos cientificos se encuentran y preguntándose por sus descubrimientos, uno dice:

Yo he consegido una simbiosis, he cruzado ladillas con luciérnagas.

Y el otro pregunta:

¿Y qué utilidad tiene?

No lo sé, pero tengo unos cojones que parecen Las Vegas.

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.

Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.

But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.

I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.

Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…

What is that, my son?

Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Carsons Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Copied from Ann Landers Column:

Landers: Santas official visit has special Claus in military directives.

DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. — Steve Online

Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:

This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.

To: All Retired Military Personnel

Subject: Official Command Visit

This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:

No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.

Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220 hours. Uniform for nap: pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose.

Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.

Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours, 22 December.

At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.

Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current roof-top license.

Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.

All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. This shout will be given upon termination of Gen. Claus visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section chiefs.

(signed) Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, Commander

(c) Creators Syndicate