A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:
The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.
Lets forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.
So lets all get together, and let bitterness pass,
Ill hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.
A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?
The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, Tell you what – why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you.
So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!
Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!
Los pendejos según los signos del zodÃaco
Aries: Sólo él es el pendejo, nadie más.
Tauro: Lento, pero pendejo.
Géminis: Pendejo por partida doble.
Cáncer: Se siente de cualquier pendejada.
Leo: Está orgulloso de ser El Gran Pendejo.
Virgo: Analiza por qué hace tantas pendejadas.
Libra: ¿Soy pendejo o pendeja? Sà o no… Pero ¿y sÃ? ¿No o sÃ?
Escorpión: Hace sus pendejadas bien pensadas y con saña.
Sagitario: Sus constantes pendejadas, apendejan a cualquiera.
Capricornio: Es pendejo sólo para incomodar a los demás.
Acuario: Los equinoccios lo traen todo pendejo.
Piscis: Es sensitivo y pendejo.
A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex? asked the son.
Well son, answered the all knowing father. A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation.
The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose.
The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest french perfumes.
The taste of a vagina, is sweeter than the purest nectar.
All in all son, its like I said ,a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation.
Gee dad ,a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it.
A few moments of silence go by, then the boy asks another question.
Dad, What does a vagina look like after sex?
Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?
Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.
Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!
What do you mean? Says his mother.
Well, shes out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, Im coming! God, Im coming!
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, Mama, I dont want to go out there. Its dark.
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You dont have to be afraid of the dark, she explained. Jesus is out there. Hell look after you and protect you.
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, Are you sure hes out there?
Yes, Im sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, Jesus? If youre out there, would you please hand me the broom?
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbor asks, Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?
Ed replies, Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… Whats the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?
Neighbor says, You mean a rose?
Ed replies, Yeah, thats it!…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructors name?
This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After shes completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?
Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, Bartender! Id like to buy the ballerina another drink!
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, Its your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?
The drunk replies, Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the
Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final
details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night
bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton
representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously
fatigued and smiling
Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no
chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the
government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft
gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition
with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared,
The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take
over all operations. The official announcement was made by
Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an
alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year.
The currency, called simply Money (patent pending) bears a
striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this,
Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the
design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to
Microsoft, citing Apples theft of the Windows look and feel, and
Stacs pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two
examples.
Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to
his grand vision of Money always at my fingertips. Gates
further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would
make it difficult for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue
throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This
(acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to
continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and
installing software, continued Gates.
Response within the industry and government was immediate. All
major ISVs appeared at the press conference and announced
support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition the most
earth shattering event in the history of the world, without
question. Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news
since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show. Ed Bott
declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues
to the new Money and said we would all be using it soon. Jim
Seymour stated that the miraculous Money is now the standard for
currency in the United States. Hillary Clinton was not
available for comment.
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
Im fine, Angus said. But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.
Well, ma laddie, says his mother, I suggest you dont associate with people like that.
Oh, says Angus, I dont, Mam, I dont. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.