Old and New Jokes

Youre breaths so stinky I dont know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilepaper!

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?



The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.



Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, Do you have anything for this?



The lady looked closely at her and replied, Have you tried Clearasil?

Un marciano aterriza en África y utilizando su traductor ultracomputarizado le pregunta al primer animal que ve:

Animalito, ¿Cómo te llamas?

Yo me llamo cebra tigre, porque mi papá fue una cebra y mi mamá un tigre.

Se acerca a otro animal y le pregunta:

Animalito, ¿Cómo te llamas?

Yo me llamo ardilla voladora, porque mi papá fue un ave y mi mamá una ardilla.

Y así va el marcianito, preguntándole a muchos animales, hasta que se topa con uno extraño y le pregunta:

Animalito, ¿Cómo te llamas?

Yo me llamo oso hormiguero

¡Uy sí, no me digas!

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?



She hesitated a while and said, Yes, 3 times.

Three times!? how did it happen? he asks.



Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?

Yes, that was really a terrible time.



Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?

It is hard to believe, he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.



She continued, And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldnt afford the operation?

Of course I remember.



Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?

Yes, he said, that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.



But tell me, what was the third time?



She responded, Do you remember when you ran for Temple president…

and needed 23 more votes?

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots
as a joke, and the Scots havent seen the joke yet.

A: Third grade.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, And what starting salary were you looking for?

The candidate responded, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The HR person said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% salary, and a company car leased every two years – say a red Corvette?

The graduate sat up mouth agape and said, Wow! Are you kidding?

And the HR person responded, Certainly … but you started it!

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not nine!

Oh yes it is, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety nine!

Oh yes it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine.

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop (hundelort) on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!

Oh yes it most certainly is, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, You want fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad. And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Mans health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, Do I look fat?

And the Devil said, Always tell the truth.

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?

Divorced