Old and New Jokes

A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: How many wives does the bible allow a man to have?

A: 16

Better
Worse
Richer
Poorer

Can I have just the Better & Richer? 🙂

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, Pastor, I will double my last pledge.

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, Pastor, I will give $20,000!

This prompted a deacon to shout, Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.



Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when………………………………



Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

"This wont hurt, I promise."

If you cant find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, its an improved screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. Its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If its electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the on switch, or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes DOES help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you dont succeed, redefine sccess.

Above all, if what youve done is stupid, but it works, it aint stupid!

Mother: Hows your history paper coming?

Son: Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and its been very helpful.

Mother: Really?

Son: Yes, so far Ive located 17 people who will sell me one!

10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble
9. Name on drivers license reads Walter Payton
8. Can bench press 450
7. After changing babys diapers, services your Jeep
6. Constantly adjusting herself
5. Has Adams apple the size of a cue ball
4. On day off, appears on Geraldo
3. Knows a little too much about Mork
2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt
1. The Bea Arthur factor

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to buy one for him.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that.
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