Old and New Jokes

Ive changed all the light bulbs in my house to energy saving lightbulbs and Im still tired!

One day there were three men walking down the street. One was black, one was French, and one was Polish.

As they walked by a farm, a farmer stopped them and asked if theyd like to take a test to win his daughters hand. Being game, they all said, Why the hell not?

Good, the farmer said. He then explained to them that they would have to jump over a fence (electric), get through some mud (quick-sand), and fuck his cow.

The black man went first. He only got as far as the fence, but he got a permanent set of Dred-Locks!

Next, the French man went. He just barely jumped the fence when he sloshed right into the quicksand. He screamed, Help! Help, mes amis! The farmer quickly stuck his foot on the poor Frogs head.

Finally it was the Polacks turn. He jumped the fence with ease, got through the quicksand with the help of the Frogs slightly liquified head, and then proceeded to screw the cow.

The farmer, being amazed at all this, decided hed give the guy some land along with his daughter.

So, the farmer said, are you ready to marry my 19-year-old daughter and get some of my farm?

Well, sir, the Polack nervously replied, Id love to take the land, but could I please keep the cow?

The angry preacher…



The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!



No one moved.



The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!



Again all was quiet.



Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.



Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybodys heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The Tell me when were having fun kind of day.



One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.



If youve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesnt help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.



Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If youve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you dont move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.



Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.



The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.



In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.



So, howd you break your leg? She asked, making small talk.



It was the darndest thing you ever saw, he said I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldnt believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didnt realize how far Id moved. I fell out of the lift.



So howd you break your arm?

Duplicating film.

Yo mama head so bald that when she go to sleep and put her head on the pillow her wigg slip off!

Dear Friends:

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you have openly called me a dirty son-of-a-bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The Office Manager called me today from the hospital and so this is my last day here. I would like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to each of you personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, Mr. Simons, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I am very much aware your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a whore. Your wife is a delightful woman and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tia Juana was a fragment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know how badly I feel about it and I hope they didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Miss Ashby, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairs as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam Franklin, you old cuss, youve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, Id never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady had not been standing right under the window you jumped through; she broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

George, I cant tell you how sorry I am that I went all over the office, telling everyone that you cheated on a third grade exam. You know I was kidding… how could I know you did a thing like that? But for Emory to say he was going to record this in your personnel file… well, dont you think that is going too far?

Miss Jenkings, I sincerely apologize for saying that you were HIV positive. Im sure this rumor will cut way down on your extra-curricular activities, and all I can say it that it was the punch talking, not me. Perhaps you can bring in a certificate from your doctor?

Fred Owens, I know you are not a convicted felon, and that you didnt leave the party early because you had to report to your parole officer. I was just joking when I said I was going to report you to the cops.

Mr. Gray, I regret telling the firemen it was you who turned in the alarm, but of course, I had no way of knowing they would have such bad attitudes bout it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, dont they?

Bill Thomas, I know how you must have felt about me. Opening the door to the mop closet suddenly must have startled you and Miss Finch quite a bit, and when I think of how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. Well have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plate.

Hermon, putting that tennis ball in the toilet was unforgivable. I wasnt thinking about how many people would be using the toilet after drinking all that punch, and the way that thing flooded all over the floor and out into the hall… well, you would think they would make the neck of those toilets a little bigger, wouldnt you? I notice this morning that most of the water has been mopped up, so I guess that little stunt really did ruin your week-end. Sorry bout that.

Miss Brown, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you had passed out in the Ladies Room, was that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I could not remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but like I said, I was little drunk.

To all the rest of you, I am sorry. Setting Mrs. Botts lace panties on fire seemed funny idea at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Going wee wee in the punch was in awful taste, too, and not telling until you all drank it was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all and know I am forgiven, I have a big surprise for you. Even though I dont work here anymore, Im going to do my damndest to get back to the office picnic next Friday.

Regards,

Stan

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a frontal lobotomy.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two cases of Prozac.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three stays at the hospital.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four group sessions.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five self help books.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six restraining orders.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven counts of harrassment.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight cries for help.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine attempts to escape.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten ripped off fingernails.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven body pieces.

On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

twelve life sentences,

eleven body pieces,

ten ripped off fingernails,

nine attempts to escape,

eight cries of help,

seven counts of harrassment,

six restraining orders,

five self help books,

four group sessions,

three stays at the hospital,

two cases of Prozac,

and a frontal lobotomy.

Or, was that today? uh oh …

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimers disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, thats the proletariats work!