Old and New Jokes

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As many of you can attest, I dont feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.

Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.

It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 bumper sticker I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.

Here are some of the ones Ive used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:

1. Dont Blame Me… I *never* voted for Bush
2. Stop Subsidizing Millionaires… No More Tax Money for Pro Football!
3. Judaism… Good Enough for Jesus, Good Enough for Me
4. Jesus is OK, Falwell and Robertson are NOT
5. Bob Dole & Phil Gramm: The Original Whine Boys
6. Abortion is Not Murder, But Shooting a Doctor is
7. Reagan Was Wrong.. About Everything!
8. Florida… A Right to Work for Less State

Numbers 1,3 and 8 seem to get the most reaction when I pull into the post office parking lot to pick up the daily box mail.

Most people I encounter, surprisingly, agree with the sentiments in bumper sticker 8.

(One of my uncles told me this one recently.)
[Ed: Submitter sent this in rot13, but it doesnt meet my criteria]

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

Doctor, Ive got this problem, the man says. My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a
blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works
me over.

So what seems to be the problem? the doctor asked.

Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac, the man continued.
I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for
a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a
marathon session each night before we go to sleep.

I still dont know what your problem is, said the doctor.

You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.

———————- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ———————- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ———————- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ———————– I cant dial

911. Theres no 11 on my phone. ———————— Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ———————– JESUS LOVES YOU. Its everybody else that thinks youre an ass. ———————– I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was, Always. ———————– What is a free gift? Arent all gifts free? ———————— Can you yell MOVIE! in a crowded firestation? ———————— Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. ———————— If ignorance is bliss, why arent more people happy? ———————— 1955 – 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 – 1998: Nothing. ————————- I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ———————- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ———————- Dont get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ———————– Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home. ———————— I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her. ———————– Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ———————– Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ———————– A closed mouth gathers no foot. ———————– The trouble with life is theres no background music. ———————– THE BILL OF RIGHTS… (Void where prohibited by law) ———————– If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ———————– The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ————————- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ————————- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ———————– IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ———————– When blondes have more fun do they know it? ———————– REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ———————– What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ———————– WHERE THERES SMOKE, THERES DINNER. ———————– OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ———————– Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. ———————–

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Amy fraid Ive forgotten!

Why does a doberman lick his balls?

To get the taste of [ethnic] out of his mouth.

People look at you kind of funny when you walk down
the street naked with a gun.

Why doesnt Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

Order: Is each here? Does each have his opposite?

Chaos: I am here, but my opposite is you.

Order: Huh?

Evil: Dont let him bug ya. Were here.

Truth: My opposite is not here.

Good: Is your opposite Lies?

Truth: My opposite is Void. He couldnt make it.

Evil: snicker Figures!

Order: Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!

Evil: Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!

Good: I have the cards.

Evil: Ive got the chips.

Truth: I have the beer.

Chaos: I have the cards!

Order: Shut up.

…

Order: Whose deal is it?

Evil: Do ya gotta ask that EVERY time?

Truth: It is Goods deal.

Good: OK, five card draw…uh, everything is wild.

Evil: How can anyone win if everything is wild?

Good: No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if…

Order: I like this game.

Evil: This is pointless.

Truth: It is time to deal.

Good: Here we go! Your bet, Truth.

Truth: Five.

Order: Five and raise you five.

Evil: Dont you morons get it? It doesnt matter how much you bet!

Order: I like ten better.

Evil: sigh Call.

Chaos: I fold.

Evil: YOU CANT LOSE!

Chaos: I still fold.

Good: OK, Ill call. How many, Truth?

Evil: Whats the point in taking more cards?

Truth: I will keep the cards I have.

Order: I will take two.

Evil: Why?!?

Order: I didnt like those.

Evil: None for me.

Chaos: Ill take six.

Good: Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?

Evil: Oh, just get this over with.

Order: But now we have to bet!

Evil: Any money you put in, youre just gonna get back!

Truth: I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.

Truth: I have five aces.

Order: I have five ace of spades.

Chaos: I have a three.

Good: Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.

Evil: Hold it, bub. Six aces, readem and weep.

Good: Where did you get that card?

Truth: He stole it from Chaos.

Evil: You know the rules, boys. The pots mine.

Good: That was a stupid game.

Order: Whose deal is it?

Truth: The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.

Chaos: Whee!

all but Chaos: groan

Chaos: Eleven card stud-holdem with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild…fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens dont count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing…

Order: I fold…

A guy walked into a bar and said

Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.

But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay.

Then the next day, the guy said Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!

The bartender said Why?

The guy replyed Youre violent when youre drunk!

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, Stay exactly like that and dont move. Ill be back in five minutes to check up on you and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, Whats going on here?

Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? the general barked.

Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?