Old and New Jokes

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.

If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.

I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think Im the smartest person in this bar. And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think… POOF! She disappears.

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The good news, he explained, is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before. The guy paled. If thats the good news, then what the hell is the bad news? Well, the doctor elaborated, the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dogs vet.

15. They stripped you and locked you in the trunk of your car with a fifth of vodka – but that was three weeks ago, and youre getting cold and hungry.
14. Your hazing involves rope, concrete blocks, and a river.
13. Other pledges: hazing guided by the universitys Uniform Code of Acceptable Fraternal Practice; You: hazing guided by old RoadRunner cartoons.
12. You understand the spanking part of the hazing ritual, but the peanut butter and the German Shepherd were totally uncalled for.
11. You get a special hazing which involves a Jacuzzi and a toaster.
10. Even though youre 99% finished with that Get elected US President hazing ritual, they still wont return your calls.
9. They refuse to let you borrow their Hootie and the Blowfish CDs.
8. The only times they let you into a frat party are when they need some fingerprints on a piece of evidence.
7. They only let you binge from the keg of ODouls.
6. They challenge the pledge class to see how many pledges can fit into your sister.
5. Everyone elses drunken group-bonding features strong homoerotic overtones, but yours is just a naked paddling.
4. All the sorority virgins get taken to *your* bed. Just not by you.
3. They trade you, 3 Molsons and a bag of Funions to the Deltas for a neon beer sign.
2. Helloooo? Youre *paying money* to hang out with them! Do I need to repeat that?

   and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Fraternity Brothers Dont Really Like You…

1. Your pledge command: Every time George W. Bush says something dumb, you do a shot.

[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]

[   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED–THIS IS SATIRE

These are smilies 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Use them liberally where indicated.

There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which
doesnt seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests
of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide
a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort;
I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small
details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.

Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?

Q: But isnt the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth. Its a poor sort of science that ignores truth.

Q: But isnt there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
for each other. If they didnt write papers they wouldnt have jobs.

Q: How big was Noahs ark?
A: Big enough.

Q: But what about radioactive dating?
A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good
Christian girls.

Q: What about the fossil evidence?
A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
other.

Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
A: Yes.

Q: Can you give us some?
A: Yes.

Q: Could you give us a specific example?
A: Yes.

Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
A: Ive already answered that question.

Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
drink, and what do you expect?

Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
and you saw what happened to them.

Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.

Q: Doesnt the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that,
didnt we.

Q: Hasnt Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame,
many professors are demonstrating also.

Q: Arent Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
A: No.

Q: Why not?
A: Because they arent.

Q: What is a kind?
A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four
of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.

Q: Doesnt genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
A: Lets be up front about this. Thats deviation, not variation, and yes,
there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been
a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.

Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.

Q: Some scientists state that the earths continents are drifting
around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
see it now. Are they right?
A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If
the continents appear to be moving around that is Satans doing.

Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
A: The real scientists dont. As for the rest of them, thats a very good
question, isnt it?

Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about
the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldnt want to
say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think
about it with an open mind.

Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.

Una vez estaban reunidos un francés, un estadounidense y un ecuatoriano que se pusieron a hablar de las maravillas del idioma.

Entonces el francés dice:

En mi país se escribe boutique se pronuncia butiq y significa tienda de ropa.

El estadounidense dice:

En mi país se escribe short se pronuncia short y significan pantalones cortos.

Y el ecuatoriano, desesperado sin saber que decir, dice:

En mi país se escribe policía, se pronuncia chapa y significa hijo de p…

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says to the cat, You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know. The cat thinks for a moment and says, Peter, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. Saint Peter stops the cat and says, Say no more, and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, Saint Peter is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; were tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we dont have to run anymore? Saint Peter says, Say no more and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, Saint Peter stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes the cat and asks him, How are things since you got here? The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels youve been sending by are the best!

One who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken
or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will
make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale. Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan
Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vagetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak,
boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from
grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.

Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or
while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.

For Sale. Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich
shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
youll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mothers helper – peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for High Fidelity,
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Everybody knows the famous under creek/sea tunnel joining England and France. Before its construction, the tenders were invited from various construction companies by giving newspaper ads throughout the world. Banta Singh came across one such ad and he decided to fill the tender. On the day of opening the tenders everybody was surprised to find Banta Singhs tender at its very lowest. Ohere tenders were quoting billions of pounds, Banta Sing had offered to do the job for just 10000 pounds. Now , as per the rule Banta was to get the contract. Before giving works order to Banta Singh, the officer asked BantaSingh as to how he could afford to work at such a low budget. Banta Singh said,look, back home, there is my brother, Santa Singh.I will call him here. We will take two shovels. I will start diging from English bank and Santa Singh will start digging from French bank. The moment we meet, you get a tunnel. The dumbstruck officer asked with courage, and if you dont meet? Banta Singh replied, then you will get two tunnels in same cost.