Old and New Jokes

What do you call two black guys on a bike?

Organized crime.

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.



The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other mans hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention…

Two boys are playing football in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter from the Columbus Dispatch who was strolling by, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
Young Buckeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.
But Im not a Buckeye fan, the little hero replied.replied.
Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again.
Little Bobcat Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.
I am not a Bobcat fan either, the boy said.
I assumed everyone in Central Ohio was either for the Buckeyes or Bobcats. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.
Im a Michigan fan. the child replied.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.

TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages.. (I dont want to do my dad)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way.. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.. I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)

6. Ive got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys)..

5. I dont date men where I work.. (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)

4. Its not you, its me.. (Its you.)

3. Im concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. Im celibate.. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Lets be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing.)

Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours–3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries…

100 men were waiting at the pearly gates of heaven to go when god appeared.

He said since as you have all lived such good lifes, i will grant you all
one wish each!

So, turning to guy No.1 he said what would you like as your wish?

To be beautiful was his reply, and so it was done.

God asked the question to man 2 and he also said to be beautiful.

Then they all were saying it and when it got to guy number 14, number 100 at the back began to giggle …

Guy 28 was saying he wanted to be beautiful when man 100 laughed out loud, and he got a piercing stare from everyone.

By the time it got to man 84, the number 100 was rollling on the floor
laughing his head off!!! But they all ignored him.

After man numero 99 said he wished to be hansome (a bit of variation!) the
guy 100 finally got his wish.

But first God asked why he was laughing, no reason he said; so God
shrugged his shoulders and asked him the same question as all the others:
what do you want?

The 100th guy said To make them all butt-ugly again!

Un hombre se dirige a Texas para hablar con el Gran Jefe de un campamento indio. Una vez allí, se encuentra con un indígena y le pregunta:

¿Dónde puedo encontrar al Gran Jefe?

El nativo le responde:

Gran Jefe Indio estar en gran cascada.

¿Y dónde está la gran cascada?

Molesto, el apache le responde:

¡Mi no saber, hoy cascársela aquí y mañana por allí!

¿Doctor, me pasa algo en la vista?

A ver, ¿que letra es esta?

La A.

¡Si, correcto, creeo que está todo bien!

¿SEGURO QUE NO TENGO NADA?

Sí.

¿De verdad que no tengo nada en la vista?

¡Que nooooo!

¿Pues entonces me puede usted decir por qué desde que me casé no veo ni un euro?

One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde hed ever laid eyes on. Ive pulled you over for speeding, Maam…. could I see your drivers license

and registration please. …Whats a license…??? replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. Your drivers license is generally in a wallet, replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration?.. asked the cop. Registration?….. Whats that….? asked the blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment… said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. Thank you Maam. Ill be back in a minute… said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the womans license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; Ummm….is this woman driving a red sports car? Yes…. replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher. Uh… yes replied the cop. Heres what you do…. said the dispatcher. Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants… WHAT!!? I cant do that. Its….. inappropriate… exclaimed the cop. Trust me….. just do it…. said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs…Ohh no… not ANOTHER breathalyzer…