Old and New Jokes

Estaba un borracho en el autobús tocándole las tetas a una señorita muy descaradamente, cuando ella le salta:

¡Oye! ¿Por qué no metes las manos en otro lado?

El borracho:

¡No me tiente!¡No me tiente!

Whats better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica have in common???

They both blew the big one.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didnt sell yours… where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You dont have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) Its O.K. when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now youll still enjoy candy.

4) If you dont like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesnt matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

Yep, thats him, he replied.

The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?

Because the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

One day OLeary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

Paddy my friend, he said. Im going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat.

No problem, replied Paddy. You go an have a good time.

So the next day OLeary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. Everythings ok over here, Paddy said.

Except youre cat. Its dead!

oly ell, replied OLeary. You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!

What do you mean?, replied Paddy.

Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic, explained OLeary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day OLeary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

All right OLeary, he said. Everythings ok here, except your ma –

Shes climbed the tree and refuses to come down!

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell naughty stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. Young ladies, said the professor with a broad smile, the next plane doesnt leave till tomorrow afternoon.