How are men like noodles?
Theyre always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
18
Aug
17
Aug
Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, Is this what you get paid for ? I told him, Nope ! I do this for free.
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. I couldnt resist and added a note: And now you know why too.
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, Yeah, how does this thing work ? I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, Any questions ? She said, Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? Whens the last time ya ever heard of anyone who rested to death.
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they dont have enuff time to do all their work.
17
Aug
Llega un polÃtico a un pueblo a ofrecer un discurso en su campaña polÃtica y empieza:
He venido, acudido o llegado hasta esta entidad, población o municipio con el fin, objetivo o meta de platicar, dialogar o conversar con un grupo, asociado o conjunto de personas, individuos o civiles que forman un cÃrculo, circunferencia o rueda y digo cÃrculo para personas de medio entender, circunferencia para personas de mucho entender y rueda para aquel borrachÃn que ni me ve, ni me oye, ni me escucha…
En eso, el temulento se levanta y lo interrumpe:
Momento, alto, stop, rojo, detente. No por el hecho, acontecimiento o suceso de haber bebido, ingerido o tomado algunas copas de vino, licor o cerveza vaya usted a tacharme de una persona neófita, inculta o prosaica. ¡Por lo mismo, tanto o consecuente vaya, dirÃjase o acuda usted a chingar, joder o perjudicar a su tutelar, madre o progenitora!
17
Aug
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, Well, then, let it read, Billy Bob died.
Amused at the womans thrift, the editor says, Sorry maam, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read, Billy Bob died – 1983 Pick-up for sale.
17
Aug
A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive. He got an Instructor and started lessons. The Instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The Instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The red neck understood and was ready.
The time came for the redneck to jump from the plane. The instuctor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the rip cord.
The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, while franticly trying to get his parachute open, dropped like a brick right past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his own parachute, So you wanna race, huh?
17
Aug
What do you call a neutron that has been around for a while?
An oldtron.
17
Aug
Women legislators joined the fray at a June 1994 session of Taiwans National Assembly, screaming, trading slaps and kicks, and pulling each others hair.
The violence began when two members of the ruling Nationalist Party poked fun at opposition lawmaker Su Chih-yang after her underwear showed when she sat down.
Nationalist lawmaker Kuo Su-chun berated Su, saying As a woman you should also review your own behavior.
Accusing Kuo of insinuating that she sat immodestly, Su walked to the podium and slapped her. Four other women joined the fracas, and a fifth collapsed from high blood pressure when she tried to stop it.
17
Aug
What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood needed?
A good stroke.
17
Aug
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells.
Saint Peter said, You may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what part of Christmas do those symbolize?
The man replied, Dont worry, theyre not mine… Theyre Carols.
17
Aug
A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?
He replied, I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.
She asked, And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?
I think I did a damn good job!